If we step on a butterfly, Hitler will have claws. ~Josh Carson
That's why I'm leaving you my cancer. ~Josh Carson
It's not like I just give people X, I take it, too. ~Aric McKeown, Cracked Helmet
We're not the Salvation Army of rope! ~Aric McKeown, Cracked Helmet
A rapist stole all our rootbeer! ~Mike Fotis
It's luck! It's luck! It's like being born a male Chinese kid. ~Mike Fotis
You can couch that in as many sports metaphors as you want, but it's still just breaking and entering. ~Mike Fotis
"Where else would you get breastmilk on a stick?" "State Fair?" ~Butch Roy (1) & Jill Bernard (2), Resist Butch!
It's like NASCAR for theatre! ~Lauren Anderson
Because I'm Ray Romano, half-man, half-puppet, and we eat badges. ~Chris Cummings
You're lucky I'm filled with hesitation. ~Fred Beukema, Fingergun
Did we tell his horse to stop a bunch of times? ~Fred Beukema, Fingergun
Oh, I did more than that - I earfucked him. Because he wasn't listening. ~Mike Fotis, Fingergun
During the commercial breaks, I scream out, "New York City?"! ~Joe Bozic, Fingergun
Would the lady like some wine...with her torture? ~Mike Fotis
Collagen, bitch! I didn't feel a fuckin' thing! ~Lauren Anderson
I did poison them...with razorblades. ~Joe Bozic
This is what happens when you don't pass the presidential fitness test! ~Caleb McEwen
I own this parking lot now. I claimed it as my own. ~Troy Zimmerman
You just made sure a witch is going to come! ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Only trouble comes out of a pantry. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
I just want to point out, how many fucking pantries are in your backyard? ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
What's your favorite book? I'll read it to you while you die. ~Mike Fotis
Let's connect like paper rings in kindergarten. ~Lauren Anderson
Susan, cancel the flight to Cape Cod - I've got an "abused." ~Mike Fotis
No one's ever gonna mistake you for a Barnum! ~Mike Fotis
Usually cries in the dark are answered with stabs and pain. ~Dan Hetzel
I sprained my foot, I can't do nobody's taxes today. ~Mike Fotis
I have a dream, and it has nothing to do with black kids. ~Mike Fotis
Whoa. Whoa, Carb Devil. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
That's right. I will catch or dodge every third one. ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
You sir, that donut had better be a metaphor for a fetus. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
My dad was telling me the other day that he doesn't think I have what it takes to be a Webelo. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
I'm like a rock sitting on Asshole Hill. Don't fuckin' turn me into a kinetic rock. ~Mike Fotis
How lazy do you have to be to ask for the ribs in ribs to be removed? ~Mike Fotis, The Importance of Being Fotis
It's like LSD for people who are too scared. ~Mike Fotis
When are people going to realise that we're here, we're deer, and they'd better get used to it? ~Mike Fotis, Brave New Workshop
How are you going to react to this penis in your ear? ~Jill Bernard
"Emulate a walrus" is step seven. ~Jake Scott
I'm trying to come on to you, but when I'm off my unicycle, I lose a LOT of confidence. ~Mike Fotis
It's easier for me to relate to mp3s. ~Mike Fotis
Rephrase that question in the form of a syllogism. ~Lauren Anderson
This round of musical chairs is a draw. ~Mike Fotis
"I've long maintained that drivers on acid are the most dangerous people on the planet." "Waaaaaaait, what about Christians?" ~Butch Roy (1) & Dan Hetzel (2), Five Man Job
I'm the opposite of Butch. ~Mike Fotis
Cut to other places where she's announced she's barren. ~Mike Fotis
Sporks are sharper than they look. ~Jen Scott, Vaudeville With a Pig
"I graduated from high school in 2000!" ~Jen Scott, Vaudeville With a Pig
I wasn't just trying to be a stereotype, I had an itch. ~Tom Reed, Rampleseed
Your probe sounds like a short lion. ~Corey Anderson, The Mustache Rangers
Ever feel like you're getting ripped off by Satan? ~Tom Reed, Rampleseed
Wait, watch my character develop for 45 minutes silently. ~Tom Reed, Rampleseed
Doctor, I think the surgery went too well. ~Tyler Samples, Rampleseed
"How did you mistake Barbra Streisand for a retard?" "She took the bait!" ~Dan Hetzel (1) & Butch Roy (2), Five Man Job
Tastes like cake. ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
Our retard trap worked. ~Butch Roy, Five Man Job
We're going to have to teach you a lesson that you probably won't learn anyway. ~Dan Hetzel, Five Man Job
Oh Atlas, don't put down the world. ~Dan Hetzel, Five Man Job
Emo chooses you, you don't choose emo. ~Dan Hetzel, Five Man Job
Loincloth! ~Damian Johnson, Survivors of the Undead Plague
Your hands are strong and warm. I trust you. ~Hannah Kuhlman, Survivors of the Undead Plague
"What's in sauerkraut?" "Cabbage and hate." ~Joe Bozic (1) & Fred Beukema (2), Fingergun
I always said if politicians were to jig more...I'd vote. ~Tyler Samples, Rampleseed
The only way to beat our dads is to become them. ~Tyler Samples, Rampleseed
You're a mean adult. ~Tom Reed, Rampleseed
Aw, then fuckin' drink blood! ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
I'm ok with knowing what I know and nothing more. ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
You just grabbed a flyin' rat. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Get off my m-m-m-m-motherfuckin' block and donchoo even bring up my stutter. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
I love you like a brother and I love you like a man-wife. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
He shot himself and he couldn't use compound sentences. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Hey, I've got an idea - instead of going to IKEA, let's do anything else. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
You ate my Skittles! ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
"I hate that you're a fucking mind reader." "You knew, when you met me at that carnival, what you were getting into." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & Doug Neithercott (2), Gay/Straight Alliance
Are you in fact ethnic? ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
Nalgene-iguana-off. ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
Watch as the story unfolds like a badly-wrapped challah. ~Joe Bozic
Well, your problems with math are easy to understand...you're failing to add. ~Jill Bernard
What's the point of taking a trophy and then leaving it behind? ~Tyler Samples
It's like my life has been an orgy of one. ~Tyler Samples
"Ronald Reagan comes back from the grave and demands Cheetos." "Or Doritos. Anything of the crunchy, cheesy variety." ~Tyler Samples (1) & David Lipkin (2), Falderal
You can't define Anoka. ~Lauren Anderson
Anoka. She discovered gold! ~Lauren Anderson
You are lucky this was stapled! ~Lauren Anderson
Mike and Joe are in Coon Rapids, or maybe Oz, because a tornado touched down there. So we're going to do this for them. If they're dead. ~Josh Eakright, Sugar Sunday
Girls don't have opposable thumbs to climb with. ~Bobby Gardner, Sugar Sunday
Now, are you a weed-smoking mortgage broker? ~Josh Eakright, Sugar Sunday
It's like I'm a dinner. ~Josh Eakright, Sugar Sunday
Roast corn? What is that? Was there, like, a comma in there? ~Josh Eakright, Sugar Sunday
I'm a pommelhorser. ~Josh Eakright, Sugar Sunday
What is the holiest way one might kill someone? ~Tommy Todd
There's no telling if this kid gets kicked all the time and loves it, but generally speaking, theft is wrong. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
He just flicked me off because I think I got the feudal system mixed up with a monarchy? ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
If there was magic, your kid would still be alive. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
You could strip if it was dim. ~Lauren Anderson
I'm the guy on the subway who rapes you with my eyes. ~Mike Fotis
If your fighting is as consistent as your accent... ~Caleb McEwen
They inhibit its trajectory. ~Mark Sutton, Bassprov
I think it's lovely that you equate women with ham. ~Joe Bill, Bassprov
It took me five classes to get out of the mindset of "this is bullshit." ~Joe Bill, Bassprov
I can appreciate the ingenuity that went into the Segway, but what's the point? ~Mark Sutton, Bassprov
"Can you ride shotgun, Mrs. Cotton?" "Oh, literally." ~Damian Johnson (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2), Survivors of the Undead Plague
That's ten less than your toes! ~Matt Donnelly
Cake in '08! ~Lauren Anderson, Brave New Workshop
My parents are Libertarian - it's pretty great. I can do whatever I want. I don't get an allowance, though. ~Mike Fotis, Brave New Workshop
I fucked her 'til I napped. ~Joe Bozic, Fingergun
I don't know if you've heard anything about this place, perhaps recently. ~Fred Beukema, Fingergun
By the way, I can see your Sarah Palin from my house. ~Josh Eakright, Soviet Menace
Why do you even ask questions if you're going to answer them yourself? It makes me feel small. Oh. ~Arik McKeown, The Mustache Rangers
"I don't think I want to die." "Ugh." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2), The Mustache Rangers
You just kind of flip past it like the italics in Tolkien. ~Aric McKeown, The Mustache Rangers
By the way, we're out of sharks now. ~Aric McKeown, The Mustache Rangers
So...I'm having trouble believing in miracles...because I keep creating SCIENCE! ~Lauren Anderson
This is to let you know that I was a jerk to you, but I was worse to others. ~Mike Fotis
That was deceptively simple. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
They say it's non-toxic. Now I'm not so sure. ~Fred Beukema
I don't care about orphans in Guatemala. I probably ate their parents. ~Alex Carlson
You're super-literal. ~Butch Roy, Five Man Job
Is it short for something better? Chet? ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
They think I'm this fantastic person, this rainbow in skin... ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
Can you get sick from too much butter? ~Troy Zimmerman
Musical?! LIGHT OPERA! ~Doug Neithercott, Gay/Straight Alliance
"What's a dicktease?" "It's a kind of uncle." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & Doug Neithercott (2), Gay/Straight Alliance
It's like a 3/4 malt. ~Jill Bernard, After the Party
It's the most cruel way you could possibly eat meat. ~Kelvin Hatle, After the Party
Nobody wants to be like Jeff Gordon. ~Mike Fotis, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
I don't want your soccer milk. ~Mike Fotis, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
Laundry machine? Haunted. ~Michael Ritchie, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
Sarcasm is a disturbing trait from the elderly. ~Michael Ritchie, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
Gondola gondola! ~Mike Fotis, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
Yellow and blue makes green! ~Michael Ritchie, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
I'm going to go now, and I want you two to survive. And if I don't come back, I want you to tell everyone you ever meet that I was awesome. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Ha ha! Guns and keys! ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
"Hey Buck, where do you want this flag?" "I want it in here, in America!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Joe Bozic (2), A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
"The shark ate everyone!" "You are the biggest bummer." ~Hannah Kuhlmann (1) & Eric Knobel (2), Splendid Things
Some of you have noticed you have brownies attached to your necks. ~Mike Fotis, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
I can't ride the confidence elephant like you can. I'm on a despair dove. ~Mike Fotis
No! It's like you're Vincent Price's kid! ~Mike Fotis
Look, I am like South Africa - black and white. And separate. ~Jen Scott
This looked like a man, a trustworthy man, a man with a digital camera. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
Enjoy mediocrity. I'm sure it tastes...all right. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
I don't want to alarm you guys, but the carpenter centaur has arrived. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
We're gonna be eatin' glue tonight! ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
"Who's Hank Aaron? Who's Hank Aaron?!" "He's a baseball...mayor!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Lauren Anderson (2), Foterson
I'm leading the gentrification. ~Butch Roy
You can't let things go because you've got a vagina! ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
I hate living in a cul de sac! ~Chris Campo
"You see that easel?" "Yes." "Eat it." ~Tim Hellendrung (1 & 3) & Doug Neithercott (2), Gay/Straight Alliance
Page DUMB paragraph BULLSHIT! ~Lauren Anderson
Do you like the screams of little children echoing in the bathroom? Oh well, that's a miss. ~Jesse Parent, JoKyR and Jesster
"Doctor says I'm legally retarded." "Some things are better left unsaid." ~Adam Woolhouse (1) & Emily Barrett (2), Hobo Chili
I'm here to take the deposition. Deposition deposition deposition... ~Mike Fotis
We've got to call someone or do something. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
It is hard to be a nonprofit veteran. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
Cubans don't cut diamonds! ~Lauren Anderson
I'll grab one of the fire sticks to use as a fire stick. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
He's what I'd imagine a sausage that came to life would sound like. ~Mike Fotis
I'm all outta ammo. I think I'm gonna have to take them down with my paintball knife. ~Adam Litz
This is live theatre. We can hear you, and we can hit you. ~Lauren Anderson
"Hey, I didn't bring anything." "But you dressed like Hitler." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Mike Fotis (2), Fingergun
His tackles were really more hugs. ~Eric Knobel, Fingergun
I always carry one leech. ~Joe Bozic, Fingergun
Footnote: I agree. ~Mike Fotis, Fingergun
I am a doctor. Prepare to be leeched. ~Mike Fotis, Fingergun
Draft wagon. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
He's like a mean Inspector Gadget. ~Andy Kraft
It's like you latched on 500 years ago and won't let go no matter how much powder I sprinkle on you. ~Corey Anderson, The Mustache Rangers
My pack, my pack, put it on right this time, not like a sleeve. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
New interrogation technique we're trying - good cop, awkward cop. ~Caleb McEwen
You're opening your mouth in all the wrong ways. ~Eric Knobel
Stop being a magic 8 ball! ~Mike Fotis
Let's do this as God fucking intended - naked with a cape. ~Nels Lennes, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
"It's got like, every rapper that's worth listening to." "So there's no one on the CD?" ~Josh Kuehn (1) & David Lipkin (2)
I checked at school! They do not eat their gifts! ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
If we don't eat our presents, we'll be Jews! ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
You entered a house like any other, except this house is unique. ~Lauren Anderson
You had me at the sign that said "Tails for sale." ~Nels Lennes, A Splendid Evening with Splendid Things & Friends
I forgot my negotiation pants. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
Don't slap-hug me. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
I'm naturally wicking. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
It's just going to be me alone? No finches, no miners, no bindle? ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
Oh, why did you get this stupid old FDR chair? ~Tim Hellendrung
There is a Canadian Kit-Kat wrapper. ~Joe Bozic, Creature Feature
It's a roomy chopper. ~Bobby Gardner, Creature Feature
Do you still have my check? I want to proofread it. ~John Eisenrich
Space hypocrite, the worst kind! ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
I don't pretend to understand your racism, but I'm sure I share it. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
"It's a mental disorder." "Pretty sure it's a tasty fruit treat." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2), The Mustache Rangers
Did you put your feet into a bag? ~Corey Anderson, The Mustache Rangers
I discarded the non-spleen portions of him. ~Fred Beukema, Explorers Club
I'm going to give you a shitty peer review. ~James Moore, Explorers Club
I read the chart way wrong. ~Tim Hellendrung, Gay/Straight Alliance
Just don't open the door, and don't cook lamb. ~Doug Neithercott, Gay/Straight Alliance
Brian Cox suffers from a condition known as tit hip. ~Troy Zimmerman, Explorers Club
A funny nun! ~Doug Neithercott
"Nook nook" as I understood it was Russian gay sex. ~Troy Zimmerman, Explorers Club
It's the only weakness cats have - fire. ~Adam Woolhouse, Hobo Chili
It smells like a Bible story in there. ~Troy Zimmerman, Adventures of Tim, Troy and Damian
That was not a greyhound on the side, it was a spray-painted wolf. ~Tim Hellendrung, Adventures of Tim, Troy and Damian
"We're Christian, that's why." "Well...what about the butt?" ~Doug Neithercott (1) & James Moore (2)
My life is kind of like a circus but without all of the serfdom undertones. ~Emily Schmidt, Deutschland
I was not going to take the advice of a circus gay. ~Troy Zimmerman, Explorers Club
Cobbling ferrets. ~Troy Zimmerman
Calendar kiosk gets lonely in March. ~Andrew Lipkin
I'm like a Johnny Appleseed of prayer. ~Gunther Gullickson, Chrysler Building
Your lips are like diving boards from which lies spring. ~Jen Scott
I tried to capture this crime scene in an Etch-a-Sketch. ~Jill Bernard
Cut to the west coast equivalent of D'Amico and Sons! ~Troy Zimmerman
Like, the currency that my original ransom was in is no longer a currency. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
I'm sure the first time they made lemon meringue pie they didn't mean it. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
A lot of songs are REM songs. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Simile! ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
It's like I'm gonna kill everybody. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
So please enlarge my penis dollar sign. ~Doug Neithercott, Gay/Straight Alliance
You're lucky I'm weak. ~Doug Neithercott, Gay/Straight Alliance
Are ya in? My religion doesn't let me turn my head! ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
A bigger corndog is more like a cousin than a meal. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
A Presbyterian jihad is even worse than a Muslim one! Because they got the power of Christ behind 'em, not that flim-flam Allah! ~Doug Neithercott, Gay/Straight Alliance
God, I'm naked! Why don't you know? Why don't you ever know when I'm naked?! ~Tim Hellendrung, Gay/Straight Alliance
Make sure you lock the doors...after building them. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Tell me I'm good at baseball! ~Tim Hellendrung
She could be the next Jefferson...or Himmler. ~Michael Ritchie
It is the Hindu Frog. ~Michael Ritchie
Are you here to killfuck one of my friends too? ~Tim Hellendrung
Yeah, ok, the truth is out, I share our mail key. ~Taj Ruler
Slam. Lock. Arson. ~Butch Roy, Show X
It's a pre-St. Patrick's Day miracle! ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
Knock knock, I've got a cooler full of ice, what have you got for me? ~Fred Beukema, Show X
He was no slouch. A slouch would have lived until retirement. ~Fred Beukema, Show X
Put all of the money in a bag with a dollar sign on it. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
It's my beauty queen wrists. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Everyone gather your scent inside yourself. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
Professor Dinosaur loves Jesus, even though Jesus doesn't believe in him. ~James Moore, Idle Hands
Hey guys, I got a text message - we have to go to the Cambodian Shire. ~Tim Hellendrung, Adventures of Tim, Troy and Damian
I will send him to your white man's hell. ~Fred Beukema, Show X
Look, I'm not a science teacher at a museum party, ok? ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Gregor's tired, bitches. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
I'm sorry, do they heckle in English in Night Mexico? ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Therefore I have made a phone call to your chowder partner. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
There goes my plan of being the male Jewel. ~Mike Fotis, Show X
Hey officers, where are your butts? ~Mike Fotis, Show X
I can't date somebody who's eventually gonna die! ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
I talk like a garbageman who's...confident. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
Germans are notorious for being diseased people. ~Doug Neithercott
I'm like Jesus of sofas. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
Oh, I'm getting another neck boner. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
You didn't raise your arms high enough to high five yourself - you merely clapped. ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
Your mother was a carpet-swaddled specimen. ~Nels Lennes
The Alabama homeless like to crouch up to you. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
You guys look like the gayest GAP commercial ever. ~Josh Carson, Josh
"Are you one of those fast zombies? Hopefully not." "I was not a fast human." ~Jen Scott (1) & Josh Eakright (2), ADORABLE
I hear Josh is very controversial for no reason. ~Josh Carson, Josh
Almost looks like your dad might've. ~Jen Scott, ADORABLE
"A racist zombie, if you ask me." "No, I don't see colors." "You just see braaains." ~Jen Scott (1 & 3) & Josh Eakright (2), ADORABLE
The bath-Tut? ~Fred Beukema, Explorers Club
Most deaf people are faking. ~James Moore, Explorers Club
It's just like mini-golf! ~Troy Zimmerman
Ollie! ~Tom Reed
I can't feel my legs...my dancing legs... ~Butch Roy, Show X
My dick fists will sing. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Plus there's that pestering whore bird flying around the house. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Don't just stand there, man, ART! ~Nels Lennes, Show X
Look at my glorious wall. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
Trick-or-art! ~Tom Reed
I'll be a diabetic duck, you do own this library! ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
You're confusing the metaphor with a lot of science we don't understand! ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
You'd speak whale for your lover! ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Are you trying to Rube Goldberg me? ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
I don't think the good professor/bad professor thing worked. ~Nels Lennes, Five Man Job
"He's making rape faces." "I'm a notary public?" ~Eric Knobel (1) & Mike Fotis (2)
What sort of future bitch are you? ~Tim Hellendrung
A Groupon to Delia's? Ha ha ha. Not likely. ~Doug Neithercott
Oh, I'm sorry, did I just cut like a laser? ~Nels Lennes, One Decent Channel
It's surprisingly hard to run a metaphor pet store and keep the ruffians out. ~Nels Lennes, One Decent Channel
Stop finding bad things and trying to love them. ~Matt Holmes, Rare Bird Show
I blame it on being the ethnic Disney. ~Cristi Rumpza, Stevie Ray's
Our school motto is "just go with it..." ~Henry Melcher, Dangerbox
"Sewer cleanin'," absolutely, and there's no G! ~Maureen Tubbs, Stevie Ray's
"No." What kind of fortune is that? ~Tom Reed, Stevie Ray's
You tinkered with the wrong baked good, my friend. ~Tom Reed, Stevie Ray's
I literally was diagnosed with no imagination. ~Tim Hellendrung, Gay/Straight Alliance
$5 to print off an electronic ticket? Fuck that noise. ~Tim Hellendrung, Gay/Straight Alliance
Why, cliff, why?! ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
Noon. Time for some hippie stealing. ~James Moore, ComedySportz
He's making biscuits on my shoulder. ~Doug Neithercott, ComedySportz
I can think of no better way of serving my country than to stop every other man from marrying you. ~Kareem Badr, Parallelogramophonograph
So you can go home later to your wife and tell her "I touched a goat named Zeus"? ~Butch Roy, Five Man Job
Bono, you can't do everything! ~Andrew Cornelius, Strippers Picnic
I pre-wrote that one in my diary. ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
I'm like, Nostradamus of fuckin' appetizers. ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
It's a childbearing chin. ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
You can do things other than lean. ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
Fun canoe for me! ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
"I found someone else." "I'm your son!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Joe Bozic (2), Ferrari McSpeedy
My hypercolor shirt doesn't need me to touch it. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Listen, Hoarders, this is Antiques Roadshow territory. ~Jill Bernard, Beatbox
Golden shower does NOT mean what it used to. ~Rita Boersma, Beatbox
I'm not trying to quit toasters, ok? ~Mike Fotis, HUGE Theater
All right, and I got a letter that's gonna be signed, "The Jews." ~Mike Fotis, HUGE Theater
It's a wrestle-cution. ~Nels Lennes, HUGE Theater
You used to be the best skier in this town, and now you drink Bud Lime and you're a dick. ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
Devil ate my cornbread. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
The mandolin is for James Taylor, Sting, and queers. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
I'm a lieutenant now, of HR. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
I'm a wingman to all - I'm in HR! ~Nels Lennes, Show X
Come on, this is a thing that is happening to me during the day, how could I not tweet about it? ~Nels Lennes, Show X
The Subaru Impreza has Narnia in the trunk. ~James Moore, ComedySportz
Paul Douglas, your day of reckoning is here! ~Michael Ritchie, ComedySportz
Do you know about a bendy straw of doom? ~Damian Johnson, Quest
At the base of that rainbow, the spider monkeys gather gold. ~Eric Simons, Quest
That is the most coral. ~Emily Schmidt, Crock Pot
I said enough's enough, and I burned all my pants. ~Brian Rice, Los Tres
I was mowing my lawn last week, and a phantasm appeared! ~Jake Scott, Interplanetary Appeal
I'll shoot anything as I catch munching on my cumbers. ~Jake Scott, Interplanetary Appeal
I had a dream that I cuddled one of those KitchenAids until it made my gramma's pie crust. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Today is full of horrible lessons. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
Omar Sharif. For an Egyptian, he was very Russian. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
I have a trunkful of William Henry Harrisons I don't feel comfortable spending in public. ~Fred Beukema, Show X
Our suggestion is Rwanda. Get ready to laugh, everybody! ~Nels Lennes, Show X
I'll be here whittlin' til you're done monologuing. ~Christopher Kehoe, Ice Cream
I'd love to have a baby in a bunch of hay, and then have a star come and make everyone visit it. ~Emily Schmidt, Crock Pot
First of all, you very gingerly stepped out of the cake. ~Emily Schmidt, Crock Pot
Key change, it's that big of a deal. ~James Rone, Ringo
Gasoline! It's from my heart. ~Tom Reed, Ringo
We sealed the exits, or Jesus sealed the exits? ~Brian Rice, Los Tres
I called him Chocolate Feathers because as a kid I loved chocolate and I loved feathers. ~James Rone, Interplanetary Appeal
You're snake-blocking, Mom! ~Jake Scott, Deer Whiskers
I went up there to kick an owl. ~Jake Scott, Deer Whiskers
"Choose your weapon, Kravitz." "Of anything in the world?" "Of anything in this White Castle." ~Jake Scott (1 & 3) & James Rone (2), Interplanetary Appeal
I destroy my enemies with rock. ~Jen Scott, Story Time Time Bomb
Ah! I have a sunburn, you fuck! ~Josh Carson, Josh & Andy
Avast. Anon. Verily. ~Josh Carson, Josh & Andy
Actually, that was a gay trap, and you fell for it. ~Josh Carson, Josh & Andy
Yes! I won the scene! ~Andy Kraft, Josh & Andy
This runs on corn and...decisionmaking. ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
You know why? Because I'm a doctor. I have steady hands and steady hips. ~Halsey Lindquist, Fast Times
Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm like a horse that's charging toward your love...hay. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
If you're gonna be, like, a super hero, you'd be Batman, who had to buy all his shit. ~Emily Schmidt, Deutschland
You're clearly going for the failing pompador. ~James Rone, Ringo
You took all of our antihistamine! ~Josh Eakright, Show X
The burglar of new opportunity might just climb in. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Barter? You want to barter? I have my weight in salt. ~Max Leibowitz, Kids Table
I'm just the king's servant of good times and beer. ~Damian Johnson, Quest
"You are going to change the world." "The whole thing?" ~James Rone (1) & Tom Reed (2), Ringo
"Just go home." "I can't! I'm sans shirt!" ~Doug Neithercott (1) & Tim Hellendrung (2), Gay/Straight Alliance
Is there a page in the Noodles handbook that says you can express your individuality? ~James Rone, Ringo
You have no to marginal facial hair. ~Tom Reed, Ringo
I studied at the school of ethereal mer mer mer. ~Tom Reed, Ringo
If anybody can survive that kind of fog, it's Sisco. ~Lauren Anderson, 123 IMPROV!
You guys, I found some ice cream that was unattended. ~Lauren Anderson, 123 IMPROV!
You almost hit a Nice Rider. ~Eric Simons, Meat & Cheese
Here, let me help you - I slept with your husband. Produce me some art. ~Taj Ruler, Box!
It's such a major inconvenience to save the earth. ~Tom Reed, Folked Up
You know, it's probably my daredevil bones. ~Brian Rice, Los Tres
I didn't realise it was supposed to be salsa for the whole community. ~Kelvin Hatle, Los Tres
Sarah, the bench is where the people without the roofs sit! ~Brian Rice, Los Tres
In Blaine, sushi is not milk. ~Emily Schmidt, Box!
Uhhh, I love loitering. ~Emily Schmidt, Box!
Who would be the president if the Ku Klux Klan finally got its shit together? ~Adam Woolhouse, Meat & Cheese
You know, they say, imagination can turn a stick into anything. ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
What are we gonna do with all this old gold? Put it in a box! ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
You turned St. Louis Park into, like, The Wire. ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
At the editors' meeting for the Bible, God was like, "more pages." ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
He made the anti-Mayo Clinic. ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
You took what was yours, Alpha Grandchild. ~Nels Lennes, Show X
I'm telling you, no matter what they say, they don't want to see you stretched by testosterone. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
I don't wear bottoms, all right? I'm a duck. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
There's always time for taking turns! ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
"Carl, we're going sledding, Carl!" "Don't listen to the vulture, Carl!" ~Eric Knobel (1) & Nels Lennes (2), Show X
On Tuesday, he was walking. Wednesday, knitting! ~Taj Ruler, Box!
Something that makes you feel regret...I think I heard John Stamos. ~Joe Bozic, Fingergun
I may be more tree than boy now, father, but I can still serve America. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
Men are all like this, and women be shopping. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
How many you all can't wait for the age of flesh to end? ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
Sorry I didn't know, but I can't. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
We enjoy the hay and the antibiotics. I'm fuckin' huge now. Suck it, hippie. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
But I'm the pope of sandwiches. ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
Why do you open sandwiches like a banana? ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
I'm like a sandwich bee. ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
Another thing, I don't fuckin' like chandeliers. I feel like they're watching me. ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
Moderation is a myth - it lives in a distant land and eats gold. ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
Why would you open a done fridge? ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
Hey, man, don't tell me how to sit down. ~Nels Lennes, Assassins
"That is derogatory, macaroni-hat!" "That is so so outdated?" ~Troy Zimmerman (1) & Nels Lennes (2), Assassins
How do you drive a giant machine if you don't know how to work a woman? ~Nels Lennes, Assassins
"Victoria's Locker." "Foot Secrets!" ~Aric McKeown (1) & Damian Johnson (2), Survivors of the Undead Plague
I'm gonna put him in the back of the squad car, and it'll give him some time to think about drinking coffee in a backyard. ~Eric Knobel, Creature Feature
"It tastes like sauce." "Sauce cellar, that's cool." ~Hannah Kuhlmann (1) & Josh Eakright (2), Creature Feature
I'm an awkward pirate bachelor. ~Matthew Pitner, Kowardly Lion
It's a noun, in the gerund sense. "Hey, do you want to have a tryst? We're trystin'!" ~Troy Zimmerman, Spear and Magic Helmet
Sergey, I can barely understand you with your thick Egyptian accent. ~James Moore, Explorer's Club
Is there anything greater than Muppet feet? ~Lauren Anderson, Five Man Job
There aren't any police vampires. All right, there are four! ~Eric Knobel, Show X
There's five Carls on the force, and four vampires, it's like a fuckin' Christmas song. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
It's genie blood, Carl. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
"What does a giraffe smell like?" "Hope." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Michael Ritchie (2), Show X
"I'm sorry, clown without makeup!" "I'm just a guy..." ~Joe Bozic (1) & Josh Eakright (2), Show X
I'm a comptroller, I have to comptrol. ~Mike Fotis, Fingergun
I had a really benign dream. ~Nels Lennes, Fingergun
You're talking like a bad Division 3 coach. I'm pumped up but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. ~Mike Fotis, Fingergun
I don't need a satchel, treelike butler. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
A kind heart, a cruel exterior. Like an M&M. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
A baby is not an egg breakfast, it's a game we made with our genitals. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
I majored in cop at Yale. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Our hedges aren't worth the trouble anymore, baby. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
Nobody can climb out a casement. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
"Welcome to Almost Fight Club." "What's rule #1?" "You have to talk a little bit about Almost Fight Club." ~Jill Bernard (1 & 3) & Michael Ritchie (2), Show X
I can list 57 reasons to watch murder porn. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
It's the American version of the mafia...it's the media. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
Can you get an all-groove jury? ~Nels Lennes, Show X
This may be the only chance you have in 2010 to indulge a puffy paint boner. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
"It reminds me of a burger. Like, can I get ketchup and mustard on my bourgeoisie?" "You sound like an asshole." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2), The Mustache Rangers
Usually there's women around neon signs. ~Corey Anderson, The Mustache Rangers
Martin Luther King made out all the time. ~Dan Hetzel, Show X
Man, someone should declare some kind of rights of man or something. ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
That movie could have been called "This Is About Anything." ~Mike Fotis, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
It costs a lot to have the milk shipped in from the 1950s. ~Andy Hilbrands, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
What's more romantic than fiscal responsibility, Claire? ~Andy Hilbrands, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
We are your highly unlikely board of directors. ~Jill Bernard, HUGE Theater
If this place goes up, Minneapolis improv is fucked. ~Butch Roy, HUGE Theater
"I have a question." "Then I have the same question." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & James Moore (2), HUGE Theater
I'm kind of like the messenger you don't kill. ~Nels Lennes, HUGE Theater
You cannot lie to Salon.com. ~James Moore, HUGE Theater
Nothing can smell fear like a Greek! ~Michael Ritchie, HUGE Theater
Look at how much the cat loves Jesus! ~Rita Boersma, HUGE Theater
You know what you need - you need an allegory. ~Michael Ritchie, HUGE Theater
Is God's love more like the bowl full of mush? ~Michael Ritchie, HUGE Theater
"'Hopscotch Administrator' is really all your resume says." "I've also killed for love..." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2), HUGE Theater
Why pay full price for a cross? ~Jill Bernard, HUGE Theater
All right, now here we have an example of lethargy in the face of death. ~Nels Lennes, HUGE Theater
I'm sorry, is this Talking & Questions 103? ~Michael Ritchie, HUGE Theater
Pant ice cream was in our vows! ~Sean Hansberry, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
What is it, Teddy Ruxpin? ~Sean Hansberry, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
They don't have marijuana-flavored Doritos, I checked. ~Teresa Sigler, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
It's not quite porn, but housewives love it! ~Mike Fotis, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
It is little known, but Brian is right - Shakespeare was the first person to write "shut up." ~Mike Fotis, The Sunday Sunday Sunday Show
Take a bus to your orgy, John! ~Mike Fotis, Show X
Oh my, they're playing Twister non-ironically. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
Why does Picard have hair?! ~Mike Fotis, Show X
Some editor was like, "call that shit 'mock risotto'...and put on these glasses!" ~Mike Fotis, Show X
"Hello, I'm a Brazilian...business man." "Noooo, you're a Nazi who went to hide out after the war!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Jill Bernard (2), Show X
Her family of six was no more than a Russian nesting doll. ~Michael Ritchie, Ka-Baam!!
Sounds like a sewer with a chair in it. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Explorer's Club
You'd just walk through your life like a big piece of dough that's never been baked or shaped. ~Lauren Anderson, Dog Walk
You shouldn't help a selfish dolphin! ~Tim Hellendrung, Gay/Straight Alliance
It's a mine-off. ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
Ms. Say it so it sounds like a bee. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Explorer's Club
"I want that on a t-shirt!" "I want that on a button." ~Lauren Anderson (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2), Explorer's Club
All the angels embezzle. ~Mike Fotis, Show X
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're telling me that the Congalese speak binary? ~James Moore, Explorer's Club
My studies have been anthropological. I make no ethnocentric judgments. ~Lauren Anderson, Explorer's Club
Little did the fish woman know, but "Euclidean hell" was the name of my thesis. ~Lauren Anderson, Explorer's Club
Oh my god, the staples are so pointy, like a tick! ~Lauren Anderson, Foterson
Somebody's a lumberjack! Somebody's a lumberjack who makes decisions. ~Mike Fotis, Foterson
Little preacher cajones. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
Look, there he is, like an assy sasquatch hiding in the background. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
I already got you a couple of times, Jew-vaho. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Nobody's ever looked cool eatin' a Push-Up. ~Dan Hetzel, Show X
People...they don't want a demon reading a book to them while they're running. ~Dan Hetzel, Show X
When we get to heaven, God licks your ears. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
Dr. Ricardo was drunk on science...and cognac! ~Michael Ritchie, Ka-Baam!!
I'm tired of God keeping you in the dehydrator. ~Andy Hilbrands, Ka-Baam!!
Our heroes' headquarters, half garage with satin pillows, half scientific nursery. ~Michael Ritchie, Ka-Baam!!
Have you heard the story of the fly...and the light? ~Matthew Pitner, Double Thumb Remedy
I'm like one of those people who's a little bit Native American...but I'll totally exploit it. ~Emily Schmidt, Deutschland
Honey, don't you know how your clothes go on? ~Jill Bernard, Tarantino
Now why would they import honey? ~Jill Bernard, Tarantino
Came back so a woman wouldn't howl alone, and then you have a hanky. ~Jill Bernard, Tarantino
Oh god, the pressures of being a white woman! ~Lauren Anderson, Splendid Things
"What was that last part?" "It was a rhyming couplet." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2), Splendid Things
How is a maybe strong? That's why I'm laughing. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Check out my shirt, man, it says, "If you can read this, the woman I respect fell off." ~Jill Bernard, Show X
She's not a wallet chained to your pants. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
Like a logic switchblade. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
You look like a weird butcher. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
We take you to a desert...it's surprisingly balmy. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Ok so. A tiny horse told me you're a whore. ~Michael Ritchie, Show X
So Santa's a ghost like Jesus? ~James Moore
Are you interviewing other blind children, ghost? ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
"Do you have a photo of your mother?" "I do." "Is it in Braille?" ~Eric Knobel (1 & 3) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2), Splendid Things
I photoshopped a lot of stuff. ~Jill Bernard, Feel Good About Yourself Orchestra
"I've had an uncle all this time I could have had uncular fun with?" "I know that's not dirty, but never say that again." ~Jill Bernard (1) & Doug Neithercott (2), Feel Good About Yourself Orchestra
You wanna die...fly angel fly...oh, you're gonna die! ~Doug Neithercott, Feel Good About Yourself Orchestra
There's one milkshake on the floor, and two thirsty guys. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
Look who's holding a wallet made of cheese. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
You found the dick hatch. ~Mike Fotis, Ferrari McSpeedy
They make a good cheese sandwich in New Orleans. ~Joe Bozic, Ferrari McSpeedy
There's gonna be a necrodor like you never saw before. ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
Let's take a mummification vacation. ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
I've always been an optimist and a female janitor. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Clues come from sniffing. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Montoya is this town's #1 Latino villain! ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
"Lookit!" Campaign slogan. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
"I have an idea." "I hope it's equal rights." ~Meghan Wolff (1) & Molly Dworsky (2), The Bennets
But you should know - everyone at the CDC is gay. ~MJ Marsh, Bearded Men Improv
Call the king! Call the king! His son has gone mad and homosexual! ~Matthew Pitner, Wizard and Warrior
Our love is beyond bestiality. ~Matthew Pitner, Wizard and Warrior
"What did you do to my wife?" "We ran her through. With our swords!" ~Dan Hetzel (1) & Nels Lennes (2), Solomon Kane
Tell him to put his manflesh away. ~Tim Hellendrung, Adventures of Tim, Nels and Damian
Any time a man owns a bird I don't trust him. ~Tim Hellendrung, Adventures of Tim, Nels and Damian
Listen, my friend, as you know, I'm French, which means I have a bottle of wine. ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
I play football on the football team! ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
And now, it's time for me to get in my mode of transport and go somewhere. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
Are you a warlock, Steaksauce? ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
Archery fight! Archery fight! ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
"The jig is up." "Is that racist?" ~Michael Ritchie (1) & Eric Knobel (2), Splendid Things
They're super-fast vanishing sex wolves! ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Because your eyes are like opal nuggets. From McDonald's. Opal McNuggets. ~Molly Dworsky, The Bennets
This is not a mathematical situation, this is love we're talking about. ~Tyler Michaels, Bearded Men Improv
I'm sorry your mother told you that in such detail. ~MJ Marsh, Bearded Men Improv
"If it's not our paper, shove it." ~Matthew Pitner, Bearded Men Improv
Undeputized! ~Matthew Pitner, Bearded Men Improv
Cows are for assholes. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
I'm shy since I was hit with a car in my own home. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
You want, uh, me to make him eat his veggies, Boss? ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
You know I'm alive, I'm your boss. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
thank you. What a girl won't do for literature. ~Lauren Anderson, Show X
Hey, box of kittens! Move along. ~Eric Knobel, Show X
Dennis, you literally made a party animal. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Show X
Have you ever seen a moose in a dumbwaiter before? It was a sight to behold, Cinderella! ~Eric Knobel, Show X
I just want a low-carb body of Christ. ~Emily Schmidt, Crock Pot
"Where did all our fruit go?" "Oh, I blended that." ~Emily Schmidt (1) & Samantha Pereira (2), Crock Pot
I have a vanilla gland in my eye. ~Nels Lennes, Five Man Job
You'll never get to the middle of this pop. ~Nels Lennes, Five Man Job
I'm not heights. ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
I don't know what currency eagles use. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
Cocaine is not a lunch! ~Jill Bernard, Drum Machine
I'm the saint of Facebook. ~Jill Bernard, Show X
If you join the murderous malt man, applaud now. ~James Rone, Interplanetary Appeal
I brought my poking stick, I would like to see that corpse. ~Jake Scott, Interplanetary Appeal
"Feels like a dorm." "A flying dorm." ~Troy Zimmerman (1) & Tim Hellendrung (2), Adventures of Tim, Troy and Damian
Welcome to the Ivory Coast. We have...soccer! ~Tim Hellendrung, Adventures of Tim, Troy and Damian
It's too late. I've gavelled. ~Taj Ruler, The Minneapples
Welcome to prison Bible study. Turn to a page. ~Taj Ruler, The Minneapples
Something wrong with your monocle? ~Hannah Wydeven, The Minneapples
Oh, are we doing lingerie time? Lookit mine! Made of solid gold and kitten tears. ~Madde Gibba, The Minneapples
I tried, Brenda, and tried to enact scenes from My Girl with you. Oh, the bees! ~Meg Linafelter, The Minneapples
Only three people are in Bert. ~Meg Linafelter, The Minneapples
It's like "Laura," except you pronounce all the vowels. ~Butch Roy, What If?
You know I don't like my heroes female. ~Andy Hilbrands, ComedySportz
The Happy Porcupine...and the Abductor. ~Doug Neithercott, ComedySportz
Human kindness! ~Jill Bernard, HUGE
One time we saw eagles! ~Jill Bernard, HUGE
"Know what an eagle can do?" "What, Dad?" "Fly." ~Nels Lennes (1 & 3) & Jill Bernard (2), HUGE
"Henri, I can think of some places on your body where a Band-Aid should not be." "But one is there." ~Jill Bernard (1) & Joe Bozic (2), HUGE
I thought it was an olfactory riddle. ~Dave Pasquesi, TJ & Dave
"Someone's got some sauce on her garter." "That is not a phrase!" ~Michael Jastroch (1) & Joshua Krilov (2), Elevator Action
Also, about your dick... ~Molly Hall, Dumpster
Daisy, birthday confessions never end in any good! ~Amy Averett, Girls, Girls, Girls
Everyone in town has turned against you for your carpetbaggery. ~Hannah Kuhlmann, Splendid Things
"To an orphanage for children whose parents were burned." "Do they make orphanages that specific?" ~Hannah Kuhlmann (1) & Eric Knobel (2), Splendid Things
Joke elements, no! They're useful, you put 'em in stuff! ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things
They're not going to find a cure for wheelchair! ~Eric Knobel, Splendid Things
Who wants to play Stick? ~Michael Ritchie, Splendid Things