I don't go tanning, I go darking. I sit in a dark room and get lighter. ~Michael D.
"Why don't they smile?" "It's cold?" ~Anna H. (1) & Claire K. (2)
My whole family came out to look at this moth. ~Tasha B.
I took care of the Texas problem. ~Anna H.
"It's not mine, it's my friend's!" "'It' as in Jamis?" ~Anna H. (1) & Jamis A. (2)
You're just so competent I don't feel like I need to harass you. ~Carrie M.
See, I would think hungry serial killers are more dangerous. ~Lyssa B.
I hope you don't go to war, and I hope Michael doesn't either, and I hope Saddam and that terrorist guy bin aladin or whatever his name is doesn't bomb the senior citizen's high rise in Morris. Goodnight. ~Vicki D.
Your memory is like Windows 95. ~Peter Smith
Do you want help? ~Heidi K.
Paul and Joe went to the bathroom together. They're girls. ~Bree D.
I'm laying an egg right now. Just don't mind me. ~Heidi K.
"It's some nice crust! Mmmmm!" "Ohhhhh, all right!" ~Heidi K. (1) & Joe Dunsmore (2)
"I'm bleeding." "What?!" "I just wanted sympathy..." ~Bree D. (1 & 3) & Heidi K. (2)
Duck, duck, possum? ~Becca N.
What if the Unibomber's like, "I'm the bomb!"? ~Dustin-Karl L.
The theme is about corn. ~Jamis A.
It's like concentrated ass. ~Jamis A.
My skin looks like it's been walked on. ~Scott R.
Palm Pilot killed Jesus. ~Brennan Wohlers
20/20. Optical. ~Heidi K.
I was kind of an unwilling father-type confessor. ~Norm B.
Nader! Nader! ~Jende H.
Scent profiling. ~Rebecca N.
The head of the table? The table's round! ~Norm B.
My whole hallway smells like wheat. ~Graham Engdahl
If you feel overburdened, please, let me know, and I'll blow my brains out. ~Michael Andregg
As much as I hate the police state, I've talked with it a lot. ~Michael Andregg
Find out a way to put salsa on it. ~Michael Andregg
Well, you can work together. Carrot. Stick. ~Michael Andregg
It's like slicing a whale. ~Michael Andregg
"I wonder if she's a communist....she's 25 and a cashier." "Does everyone get the same change back?" ~Jamis A. (1) & Graham Engdahl (2)
Ooo, I'm getting chased by fluff! ~Wendy Leo Moore
Choose your fighter. I have Gandhi! I'm gonna lose! ~Josh N.
I'm wearing corduroy, so I don't have to worry about genes anyway. ~Josh N.
I was in my management class playing the beer game, and I won Kit Kats, and I get here and the world is exploding. ~Carrie M.
Her department hasn't changed numbers since Jesus was a young child. ~Kathy Jensen
Don't look at me in that tone of voice. ~Paul Stoetzel
Monster mink. Rawr. ~Bree D.
I want something that says terra cotta....or blood. ~Heidi K.
It's just like life, only high! ~Scott R.
"Apparently people don't think it's fun." "Really? Running?" ~Scott R. (1) & Heidi K. (2)
M is for murder, C is for crack. ~Michael D.
If it isn't in the Bible, they don't know it! ~Colin G.
There's no political correctness in here. ~Joel Samaha
I'll say this in this class because I feel comfortable with you. I'd never be a terrorist, but I know why there are such things. ~Joel Samaha
This case gets into the wonders of butterfat. ~Joel Samaha
Fat is fat, ok? ~Joel Samaha
You just can't stand anything that has more than one answer! ~Colin G.
"What do astronomers call a giant cloud of gas and dust?" "Michael's room?" ~Trivial Pursuit card (1) & Vicki D. (2)
If you drop them, they bounce. ~Joel Samaha
And if that's persistant, it's time to shoot them. ~Joel Samaha
I pay to get these. ~Joel Samaha
I have tenure! ~Joel Samaha
If you want to report me, fine. My mom is dead, you can't tell her. ~Joel Samaha
What the hell does love have to do with it? ~Joel Samaha
You know, sometimes I think the answer is a gun! ~Joel Samaha
Hot pants! I thought they were just brightly-colored. ~Michael D.
Remember Fester in that family movie? ~Angie R.
I don't know whether I want to cry or shoot. ~Joel Samaha
Jesus rose from the dead, yeah yeah. ~Todd Mattson
This is Marvel Comic Book material! ~Todd Mattson
It's like getting your car towed twice. ~Scott R.
Calories? It's fruit! ~Bree D.
Hey, you're fat. If we put you in a dress, it'll be funny. ~Scott R.
You are the princess of onomatopoeia. ~Nik Guadagnoli
He can just comb it over from his back! ~Meg H.
Where are we as a society when we can't even take the time to say "whore"? ~Bree D.
Go eat some French toast sticks, Carrie. ~Connie W.
They eat squirrels! Well, they're from the suburbs, you know. ~Connie W.
I could never slit my wrists because I'd probably do it wrong. ~Connie W.
I thought you meant he eats mail. ~Ken S.
I HAD YIN! Dammit! ~Ken S.
Come on, this state didn't even vote for him! ~Scott R.
The Vietnam War was really sucky. ~Colin G.
Ginga!!! ~Bob D.
I'm turning into a 14 year old girl. ~Jon A.
Well! This answers the long-pressing question of what your fallopian tubes and the Amazonian rainforest have in common, doesn't it? ~Sara D.
Yeah, see, don't hiss at my daddy. ~Shylie A.
Tim, they're not really bald! ~Matt S.
If you don't, I'll turn invisible and kill you. ~Bree D.
I am more of a voyeur whore. ~Scott W.
I wanna get poor slowly. ~Meg H.
Certs are like the official candies of nymphomaniacs. ~Shylie A.
Is that like posse comatose? ~Vicki D.
Or a surly duck. ~Lindsey S.
Somebody's mom went on too many roller coasters when she was pregnant! ~Scott R.
A lesbian Mormon? ~Colin G.
I think you should eat a DVD just to tell people you've done it. ~Scott W.
Like a lot of things I say I'm going to do when it involves you, it must not have shown up. ~Ken S.
You're not from Wisconsin, though. You are Minnesota Nice. I am Wisconsin Nice-If-You-Have-A-Beer. ~Ken S.
I need to make some alterations in my body chemistry. I'll be right back. ~Nick Trites
I'll get a vasectomy and tell them it's to piss them off! ~Nick Trites
"Because I HATE you, okay? Your genes stop right here!" ~Nick Trites
But like about legacy...like, Einstein never had kids...but I'm sure his neighbor did. ~Nick Trites
I'll drink your pants! ~Frank K.
I could just dig a hole through the mountain of food so a train could go through, just like my ancestors did. ~Frank K.
I hope they're not weird people who have sex in other people's toilets. ~Keledy K.
When I was with Derek, I made him go to the gas station to get Mentos because he had Certs, and I said they were too suggestive. ~Shylie A.
They were driving a disfigured baby! ~Bree D.
"Stick it out. For the little people." "NO LITTLE PEOPLE! That's the point!" ~Ken S. (1) & Bree D. (2)
Oops. I scanned it. "Gaffes," not "giraffes." ~Ken S.
Norm's a snowman. If I drew Norm, I'd draw three circles. I'd use my compass! ~Frank K.
Something to tell myself...and I am not afraid of false affirmation. ~Danika K.
What do pants have to do with violence? ~Tim L.
Don't say his age. Don't make him feel old. ~Angie R.
You're not going for the natural tubal? ~Nick Trites
I was doing brain surgery and all I could think about was this bagel. ~Frank K.
And I intend to give his soul a nebulous wedgie when we meet. ~Tammy Lincecum
"Neener neener, you're a weiner." "I wish I could be witty like you." ~Bree D. (1) & Tim L. (2)
Damn, they make a mean pig in a blanket! I mean, it tastes gourmet! ~Tammy Lincecum
I wonder if I can do that at will. Hey, I can! Trick or treat! ~Dr. Evans
Love-love! ~Matt S.
The cake is done. You are finished. ~Adam Reinardy
Think like a sheep. ~Tammy Lincecum
My entire life is like one big vice. ~Nick Trites
I wish people came with disclaimers. ~Scott R.
What happens if you laugh? Do you get pregnant? ~Colin G.
"Are you calling me a frustrating ass?" "No, I'm calling you fat." ~Bree D. (1) & Jamis A. (2)
In yet another Minnesota gubernatorial upset, Bree's gramma will succeed Jesse Ventura. ~Colin G.
When you smell a good smell that isn't food, and then remember that you work in a place where there is a lab where they do experiments with dangerous chemicals....stop inhaling. ~Bree D.
You're refreshingly uptight. ~Alphonso J.
GO SOUTH! ~Alphonso J.
So is this some kind of hint? Are you looking for more misogyny and homophobia in our relationship? ~Tim L.
I'm sure it'll be a nice combination of sucking and having a good time. ~Scott R.
I've seen penguins do that! ~Michael D.
Some of these algorithms are pretty cool. ~Tim L.
Hemorrhoid rage? ~Bob D.
Apparently, "I prefer to live my faith" is not an acceptable answer. ~Lyssa B.
The "your mom" feature needs to become obsolete. ~Frank K.
I thought you said "beta" mullet. ~Frank K.
This quarter? This quarter? Ten pence! ~Josh N.
That's me in a nutshell! ~Scott R.
Coming from their mouths, "HOOAH!" sounds totally natural. ~Nick Trites
The Aunt says "There's lots of yucca." ~Tim L.
Hold the "s" on my polyester, please. ~Ken S.
No, I fear parking meters. SCARY. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I am reading about Stalin. Probably until I die. ~Lyssa B.
I would insert so many different objects in myself. ~Ken S.
Apparently, they think this is a girls' school. ~Lyssa B.
Amalgamation. Now that is just a fun word. ~Tammy Lincecum
I would just start eating the people I killed if I were in the Army. ~Anna H.
Bree, I'm so addicted to tennis! ~Scott W.
Let me see your lobotomy scar. ~Claire K.
It wouldn't be lame, but it wouldn't be ultimately cool. ~Meg H.
"Know what pisses me off? When people have premarital sex and get the diseases they goddamn right deserve and expect to get treatment at community clinics I'm forced to fund with taxes." "I'm gonna come kick your ass." ~Meg H. (1) & Bree D. (2)
"Why is a guy with a vasectomy like pure Florida orange juice?" "If this has to do with pulp, I'm gonna be disgusted." ~Bree D. (1) & Brandon L. (2)
"Have you made a pro/con list?" "I've made a con list." ~Bree D. (1) & Dustin-Karl L. (2)
You need to come join Our Big Fat Soy-Based Wedding. ~Kamuela
That's what I figured. I used context clues. Yay CLA! ~Bree D.
"But you can't overthrow/combat the government with a cigarette or butt sex." "That's what you think." ~Bree D. (1) & Tim L. (2)
Crab is good. I like it with mercury and other heavy metals. ~Dave F.
Fettuccini, pistachios, couscous, and zinc. Sounds like a law firm. ~Viane F.
I gave up Lent! ~Rachel O.
Well, I didn't realise that Easter was so far away... ~Rachel O.
Stop messing with my paradigm! ~Alphonso J.
Wham, bam, thank you MISTER! ~Katie B.
You should get a post and nail limbs on it as a warning to other toddlers. ~Colin G.
Like, they told him to do the dishes once, and he was like, "I don't have any arms!" and they were like, "Figure it out!" ~Meg H.
Maybe you should have been the next Einstein, and you got 'tarded. ~Colin G.
I'm afraid that if I laugh, I'll have retarded kids. ~Colin G.
I thought I'd never say this, but "Hooray for anal sex!" ~Keledy K.
Wouldn't it be cool if people were to walk up to each other and be like, "Hot damn. Your inner beauty is fine." ~Lyssa B.
Man, I can tell you got yourself graduated from college. ~Katie B.
"You need a chastity belt." "And a tazer." ~Bree D. (1) & Shylie A. (2)
I'd be the scarlet fucking alphabet. ~Tammy Lincecum
"Ooo, what's this?" "Cheesecake tits!" ~Bree D. (1) & Vicki D. (2)
Yo-plait! The ghetto gurt. ~Ben
I thought it was a great sandbox, but it was actually a lack of yard. ~Caitlin W.
Someone....who shall remain nameless and stinky. ~Caitlin W.
I'll pray for you....that you get a pimp! ~Bob Lemke
"My dad e-mailed me and asked what I wanted for graduation." "Roofies!" ~Meg H. (1) & Scott W. (2)
"Why don't you take it off?" "I don't have enough bracelets!" ~Bree D. (1) & Meg H. (2)
A fetish yarn doll....a sex toy! ~Meg H.
On the other hand, I've never met a girl that didn't think they were some kind of kung-fu blowjob master. ~Justin P.
His cock is taller than he is! ~Shylie A.
Jenn borrowed one of my shirts after we were out walking out in the rain for a while and she washed it with chick-detergent. ~Brandon L.
I need to avoid women so I avoid cancer. ~Brandon L.
I always thought you were the good little hippy girl with pure intent. But you're a devil in a red armband! ~Brandon L.
I was EXPERIMENTING WITH THE SELF TIMER ON MY DIGICAM! ~Shylie A.
And John from produce looked down my shirt when he was helping me clean up some renegade blueberries. ~Shylie A.
I just see Bonnie and Matt at the fertility clinic with Bonnie crying and Matt looking solemn and holding her hand. ~Colin G.
Oh, the lengths to which I go to help the deaf watch the dumb. ~Emily Bell
"Oh, baby! She's crocheting, and she doesn't care! That's hot!" ~Colin G.
Can you imagine? Just like Bree, with the added indignation of being a clone. ~Colin G.
It'd be funny if we tried to skip out on the check by yelling "TIGER!" ~Colin G.
"I'm afraid fat women will sit on me." "You're in an IHOP!" ~Keledy K. (1) & Colin G. (2)
"The dance was to Weird Al's Girls Just Want To Have Lunch." "This is ballet?" ~Bridgette K. (1) & Colin G. (2)
"You're the queen Bree!" "Scary." "Get it?" ~Shylie A. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
Man, that's popping green cherries! ~Alphonso J.
"Come on! Women in skimpy clothing!" "I'm sorry! I work late!" ~Bree D. (1) & Brandon L. (2)
Like if I died, I'd be sadder. ~Tammy Lincecum
So, are you in the crips or are you into fisting? ~Colin G.
He's a plainclothes Santa Claus, but he was still a Santa Claus. ~Meg H.
Well, at least it was another medical professional, right? It wasn't like, "This is Joe. I've been giving him my spare change out in front of this building for years now, and I just thought I'd bring him in today to get to know him better." ~Colin G.
If I was his top, I would smack him for his grammar. ~Lyssa B.
There's a visual. Satan's fingers in my bajingo. I'll pass. ~Lyssa B.
And god forbid you do anything conventional. ~Kelly H.
She says it's to contain the relatives. ~Shylie A.
But you know I'm very bacchanalian. ~Shylie A.
And what are you, Mr. Nader, organic free-range solar-powered tofurkey? ~Emily Bell
But, he walked his own ass up to that buffet. ~Tammy Lincecum
Does the body of Christ count as a carbohydrate or a protein? ~Keledy K.
"My cast would have to have shaved pits." "They could shave them on stage!" "One performance only." ~Colin G. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
"But they actually just 'substitute' your kid's snack if it's peanutty." "'Substitute' means the counselors eat it in front of everyone." "And smack their lips a lot and say, 'This is SO good. Eat the peas we gave you.'" ~Lyssa B. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
So God's like a PBS special? ~Colin G.
It smells like branches! ~Meg H.
He looks like a condom stuffed with walnuts. ~Meg H.
I'm drunk on M&Ms! ~Kelly R.
That's dating! ~Nate R.
He changed it when he was high! ~Jess R.
He goes after it like a Bree-raise. ~Nate R.
She puts the SARS in China. ~Nate R.
Maybe she's going to manufacture things over there. Or put the sticker on. ~Nate R.
She's like QUICKSAND! ~Nate R.
That's remarkably similar to her humour today. ~Colin G.
That's my rapper name - 20-cent or 4-nickel. ~Nate R.
I'd be making you queef! ~Nate R.
Did you get a tattoo? ~Paul
I'm judgmental. ~Paul
And I was like, "I didn't know Crystal had such a big rack!" ~Bree D.
She scared me away with that nickel. ~Nate R.
I need a new desktop! ~Jess R.
Breetard? ~Jess R.
I'm Hucky! Let me lose all my money! ~Jess R.
I'm deleting my journal tomorrow. ~Ken S.