"He's a stumbling drunk!" "He doesn't stumble..." ~Bree D. (1) & Vicki D. (2)
I'll be the one holding a bag of Doritos. Some will be for you. ~Dustin-Karl L.
It wasn't supposed to be a thong! ~Jess R.
"You're a three-ring binder - a fancy folder!" "A Trapper-Keeper!" ~Jess R. (1) & Crystal S. (2)
"What'd he do?" "Didn't pay attention to me." ~Bree D. (1) & Shylie A. (2)
I can tell you put butter in it...or Parkay! ~Jess R.
Ooo, you can do anything you want with any of your cards...as she sticks it up her butt. ~Jess R.
You guys do like cheese...every time you're on cam, you're eating cheese! ~Crystal S.
"You're emo." "Do I look like I have emotions?" "Anger is an emotion." ~Dustin-Karl L. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
Now there's a funny mental picture...Austen shaving his ass. ~Bree D.
Being naked in a classroom...isn't that a popular nightmare? ~Christina F.
It doesn't feel good in your ear! ~Jess R.
Ok, so Jess - how tall is your brother? ~Adrianne G.
I realised I look like Moe. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I want my pants. ~Bree D.
I love gay men. Too bad they aren't straight. ~Shylie A.
I think suicidal people should try fainting in the airport, and see how they feel afterwards. ~Heidi O.
They tasted like popcorn! ~Nate R.
Smells like a Runts box! ~Josh N.
Bewilderingly sucky. ~Meg H.
Whole new dimension to Cinnamon-Flavored Lundy! ~Dustin-Karl L.
I said chlamydia! ~Josh N.
It plugs into your brain. ~Josh N.
Are you channeling Schmeagol? ~Meg H.
Someday, I hope to be the godfather of geology. ~Sara D.
He's sleeping off the asshole. ~Jess R.
Wayne and Oomi! ~Nate R.
TV - the next best way to sleeping your way to the top. ~Keledy K.
Driving over rocks is really fun... ~Michelle V.
I'm going to get a button..."I'm a terrorist (with a woody)." ~Loren U.
My SO. And by that, I don't mean sexual offender, I mean significant other. ~Loren U.
It occurred to me - vampires are fucking annoying emo kids that live forever. ~Sarah M.
If a dollar was a chicken would the chicken be evil? ~Samuel L. Jackson
Vulnerability is the greatest gift you can give someone. It really sucks when they try to exchange it for a sweater or something. ~Bree D.
You know you're a freak when you're a bit too weird for a gay sex cannibal. ~Dan Savage
He does Scrooge a little too sexual. ~Scott R.
I mean, what are they going to study? Acting? ~Meg H.
Bread, beer, and women - all they need is basically one thing: yeast! ~Jess R.
Russian for "Howdya like that?" ~Nate R.
I climbed up Mount Doom! ~Al D.
Now he has $15 and a modem! ~Bree D.
Why you should get to know me: I give a pretty decent blow job. Do you care beyond that? ~Lyssa B.
Well, when I told him the Jewish Dilemma is FREE HAM, he took it badly. ~Auntie Siannan
I thought it was like...people in the ghetto teaching me to knit in ebonix. ~Shylie A.
You know what has zero carbs? Crack. Unfortunately...it's high in, well, crack. ~Darkasianchild
Abortion by Nike! ~Colin G.
Zogbyblog and the Pollsters! ~Colin G.
Meeting him is prety high on my list after that story. ~Lyssa B.
One of the levels of hell must involve grating foods by hand. ~Keledy K.
"Like magic!" "Really slow magic!" ~Bree D. (1) & Dustin-Karl L. (2)
Usurpy? ~Shylie A.
It's like all the wrong things together: spending money, on myself, for pleasure only, and sex. If only it involved saying the Hail Mary, I'd have all my sins. ~Lyssa B.
In American, it was "make your own spring rolls at the table." ~Lyssa B.
Bree, if you ever become born again, I will brutally, brutally murder you. ~Colin G.
The hobbit would also eat things I don't like. Like a goat, but cleaner. ~Lyssa B.
"That's the line Mel Gibson's using: 'Go see my movie...You can wear your velvet knickers!'" "I thought his line was 'Jesus saved me from jumping off a cliff.'" "He said that right after the knickers line." ~Colin G. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
My name is Bree. I give advice. I accept Paypal and that's it, you little shits. ~Lyssa B.
Like recessed landing gear! ~Jesse R.
"I like your shoes" is the classic default forced warm-fuzzy. ~Bree D.
"I hear they have accents over there." "What kind?" ~Jesse R. (1) & Dustin-Karl L. (2)
You guys should have heard us talk about aborted fetuses in there. It was so funny. ~Jess R.
I'm just not used to seeing it not in a bag! ~Ken S.
So I had my phone under my balls one day... ~Ken S.
It's like bear sex! ~Ken S.
You can't learn different anatomy. I can't take longer penis classes. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I wonder what it would be like to come from a state that couldn't stand up if you cut it out of wood. ~Dustin-Karl L.
Have you ever seen so much distressed denim in one place in your entire life? ~Simon C.
But Breesters you should've seen zulu this morning! ~Shylie A.
"Oh yes, just one glance from those GOP baby-blues, and I go all menopausal (proud to say that that sentence...never been said ever before...ever.)." "Who says there's nothing new under the sun?" ~Colin G. (1) & Bree D. (2)
Every time you order it has a nervous breakdown and second guesses itself. ~Gordie L.
Sit upstream of Hannah Stein. ~Aaron K.
It's like building a giant war robot and then being surprised when it attacks Tokyo. ~Jesse R.
I'm glad you guys are getting married and not having kids, because that way, you're going against God's law, and you'll burn in hell. And that's what you deserve. ~Dustin-Karl L.
And what exactly does Gephardt bring to the table beyond Sominex? ~Barrett J.
Hearing them could very well make me bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man, but I damn sure wouldn't be serving up fruit punch. ~Janine S.
The thing I like the most about you is your flammability. ~Aaron K.
You should use a hanger. You could, like, perform a dryer abortion. ~Jesse R.
"Are you Jesus?" "Why?" "You're friends with all these losers, social rejects..." ~Bree R. (1 & 3) & Jesse R. (2)
When the revolution comes, I'll be the first in the sink. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I think zombies are just gangrenous retards. ~Jesse R.
Did you just ask if I would eat pieces of your vas deferens? ~Bree R.
Maybe with enough nights with him, you can put your first foster child in and feign childbirth!! ~Ken S.
Like the pot calling the kettle retard. ~Nate R.
In terms of feng shui, that's a lot of fire to balance the water. ~Heidi O.
If our bed was an amusement park ride, I'd be happy if you threw it out. ~Bree R.
That's how I choose all of my jobs, actually. ~Michael D.
Neutrons are fat fucking bitches from Switzerland. ~Jesse R.
"Yep. And nobody's attracted to them. Except other neutrons." "So they're lesbians." ~Jesse R. (1) & Bree R. (2)
Jesse, if you ever need a place to stay, I won't be surprised. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I like you and I'm talking about monks! ~Jesse R.
At least they aren't personal problems and instead they are problems with copiers and serial numbers and crabby sales reps and people thinking a goddamn copier is fucking serious business like making pie is serious business. ~Adrianne G.
At first I thought something had happened at the Pikes' and all of the kids were screaming. ~Gramma Pat
The cow says moo. The baby says WHAT! ~Jesse R.
Can you wipe the cheese off my Lactaid? That's just wrong. ~Bree R.
It's funny because it's domestic violence. ~Jesse R.
Don't sound like some kind of felt-plated tard! ~Jesse R.
In my room, we have a cactus, and his name is Alan Perennial. ~Michael D.
I have to figure that out, since the old one doesn't respond to me at all, like I quit giving it sex. ~Adrianne G.
Gotta keep going 'til you cry! ~Tom R.
It's not a parade until a shriner gets hurt. ~Al D.
Maybe I'll look like that after I fight fat and win. Like I no longer menstruate. ~Carrie B.
"Vitamin Bree-24." "23." "You're advanced." ~Jesse R. (1 & 3) & Bree R. (2)
I'm happy, I hate you, I love you, I really do, but I'm so depressed. ~Dr. Wendy Hellerstedt
I remember things that were so real, but then my synapses got pruned, so... ~Dr. Wendy Hellerstedt
We had physical education, but we were always skipping because we were protesting the war. ~Dr. Wendy Hellerstedt
There are some people who are unconsciously incompetent. ~Dr. Bob Veninga
Working for effective change comes from holding people accountable for the promises they make and the actions they take. ~Bree R.
You just laughed the Mr. Clean theme. ~Jesse R.
You're hosing us down with love. ~Jesse R.
If a skull with your body came at me and said, "Kiss me," I probably would, because hey, skull, and you have a hot body. ~Jesse R.
Well, maybe he's not a furry, but he draws sexy squirrels, okay? ~Colin G.
Grampa was a bleachy, hungry man...I want that on my tombstone! ~Jesse R.
I'm done asking you to smell things for me now. ~Jesse R.
Now, I would suggest that these people are not still working because they like the fraternity of Byerly's. ~Dr. Bob Veninga
Oh shhh...don't cry or I'll hit you. ~Jesse R.
Your birthday is when Jesus was still dead. ~Dave Z.
I love that they rhymed "poisson" with "huh huh huh." ~Jesse R.
Hangovers don't usually include sore asses, Jesse. ~Dan B.
There's a funeral in his trousers. ~Jesse R.
You make the best thumping noises with your body. ~Dave Z.
Apricot. Do I like those? ~Nate
Tommy just takes rubberbands off broccoli and pretends he's cool. ~Tom R.
They hold you like the guy at the Chinese restaurant. ~Tom R.
I hate the sinner. ~Bree R.
That's why we don't have to recycle...because the Rapture's coming. ~Sarah G.
If I had to hire a painter to paint a picture for my underwriter, I'm not sure I'd pick Picasso. ~Bree R.
It's not really a liquid...the viscous discus. ~Jesse R.
Ralph's kind of a cross between Jerry Lewis and Homestar Runner. ~Jesse R.
Her brain-mouth filter was very...porous. ~Taqee K.
If anyone had eggs with Y chromosomes, it'd be you. ~Jesse R.
"Even your eggs have balls." "What do you mean 'even?' I don't have balls." "Nobody who's ever met you would believe that." ~Jesse R. (1 & 3) & Bree R.
Talking to her is like taking a roofie. ~Shylie A.
Do I like latrine bugs? No! ~Jesse R.
Hell, at least the furries I know will occasionally put on pants. ~Jesse R.
He was like, "Does this mean anything to you?" ~Scott W.
If you're extremely stupid, can you be referred to as "tardcore"? ~Jesse R.
And think of how much hairspray 5-year-old girls use! They don't know when to stop! ~Josh C.
I'm tough like stupid bull. ~Jesse R.
I guess you don't picture as much gay Arabic porn as I do. ~Jesse R.
That's why my mom had her tubes tied - so she wouldn't become a lesbian. ~Bree R.
"The vagina harangue?" "Sounds like a Thai dish." ~Aaron K. (1) & Patrick S. (2)
You don't seem like the kind of guy who would lie about...cud. ~Alphonso J.
"Ok, let's go." "Where?" "West." ~Dustin-Karl L. (1 & 3) & Bree R. (2)
Billy Corgan is such a nasal weapon. ~Jesse R.
I use Pantene because that's what the birds like. ~Dustin-Karl L.
Has anybody ever mumbled "executioner" into your kisses before? ~Jesse R.
You know, nobody ever talks about the shit hitting the box fan. ~Jesse R.
"I have no pants to bet." "You have freaky denim skin, then." ~Carolyn B. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
Even more exciting than the girl, I thought I heard a loon, which would be exciting, because I like wildlife...not like I like girls. ~Dustin-Karl L.
I suppose a big enough asshole can pass damn near anything. ~Jesse R.
Why are mouths fresh when they taste like winter and crotches fresh when they smell like spring? ~Jesse R.
"Can my armpits smell like autumn?" "Like leaves and squirrels?" "If that's what autumn smells like to you..." ~Jesse R. (1 & 3) & Bree R. (2)
Dress up how? Like a lion? ~Jesse R.
Vodka and...lint. ~Michael D.
These are like shuffling lefse. ~Ona B.
I'm Tautology Man. My work here is done because my work is completed! ~Matt F.
I'm quoting you, you giant tard. ~Jesse R.
She's a set of suspenders on a snake. ~Matt F.
"I got orange gloves." "That's like dark chocolate." ~Michael D. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
Say the wrong word, and you're...you're...married. ~Vince D.
"The showbyrinth, stalked by the Ikeataur. Half-man, half-" "-meatball!" "Some assembly required." ~Jesse R. (1) & Bree R. (2) & Dustin-Karl L. (3)
I was going to make a couch potato body shot. ~Jesse R.
No, right now you're naked, standing in the kitchen, smelling imaginary yogurt. ~Jesse R.
Why are all the Asian men I know named Frank? No, actually, I know one named Fred. ~Bree R.
I'm going to destroy you like parol evidence. ~Kyle Harneck
Time to grind the frozen rat lung. ~Jesse R.
Did you kick her in the box? ~Dustin-Karl L.
"Little creatures made of meat." "You mean like rabbits?" ~Colin G. (1) & Meg H. (2)
"You should put an F in front of that." "Flaw school?" ~Colin G. (1) & Meg H. (2)
Take me away! Take me to Zion, Steve! ~Colin G.
So, a furry dresses up like an animal to have sex, while a plushie fucks stuffed animals? What do you call someone who does both? A flushie? ~Barry E.
Shut up. Don't oppress me with your penis. ~Dustin-Karl L.
You know me. "Insane in the membrane." INSANE IN THE BAYNE! ~Lyssa B.
I'll pack my Goodwill-bound shoes in your ass! ~Lyssa B.
Three Flirtinis and I'll put ANYTHING in mah mouf. ~Patrick S.
Sorry. Non-sequitur and you were in the way. ~Patrick S.
Hahahaha yeah omg my flight tomorrow is RIDICULOUS on a stick. ~Shylie A.
So, long story short, my food got cold. ~Michael D.
I try to spell out "hi," and it spells out "waterloo." ~Carolyn S.
Can I have some granular cow? ~Dustin-Karl L.
Only if that's a metaphor for a giant shoehorn. ~Dustin-Karl L.
The New York Times has called him a lazy Ralph Nader. ~Dustin-Karl L.
"Raspberry sorbet." "I have some in the freezer." "I know. I've been singing to it." ~Jesse R. (1 & 3) & Bree R. (2)
Bum bum bumblebee tu-na, I love bumblebee, bumblebee tu-na! ~Jesse R.
"'You got pot in my peanut butter!' 'You got peanut butter in my pot!'" "Reefer's Cups?" ~Dustin-Karl L. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
If it were Java, it would fail because of excessive recursion. ~Jesse R.
Jay Leno engages in chin sex and he's the catcher. ~Jesse R.
An Inconvenient Group. ~Josh C.
What does the Ajax Fairy remind you of? ~Bree R.
You did your little butt dance and put your foot on my butt - what else am I supposed to conclude other than you like taking horse cock up the ass? ~Jesse R.
Porkchops are good, but not when you cross your legs? ~Jesse R.
Is there some snack food, really popular with early adolescent boys, that is packed with mercury? ~Dan Katz
Now, who has converted the chalk? ~Professor Younger
All right, I get paid. But that isn’t why I do this…I do this because I love you. ~Professor Younger
Then they all got that Abe Lincoln quote, and who can argue with Lincoln? ~Professor Washburn
Is there a difference between sneezing and taking a drink? ~Professor Washburn
David’s sitting there sober, somehow. ~Professor Washburn
So I’ve got another Scalian. ~Professor Washburn
I like to surf the internet vicariously ~Phil Chan
As long as the lawyer can stand up there and describe the public purpose without bursting into peals of laughter, that’s good enough. ~Professor Morrison
I don’t know that the chance of me catching a fish is more arbitrary than me getting a good grade on a constitutional law exam... ~Nick Smith
I've been given the middle finger so many times in my life, I've never even thought of suing for it. ~Professor Younger
"I didn't mean to cut you off." "It's ok, I've been cut off many times before." "Just the way I've been fingered several times before." ~Professor Younger (1 & 3) & Joey S. (2)
I’ll have to tell the dean I need a Britney Spears mike. ~Professor Younger
"It’s not a mike problem, it’s a mike placement problem." "So could you come up and place it for me?" "No." ~Bryon Aven (1 & 3) & Professor Younger (2)
I hear a silence...I mean...I don’t hear anything. ~Professor Younger
"What can happen to you? Do you think I'll tear you to shreds?" "...not physically." ~Professor Younger (1) & Nick Smith (2)
I think I would go buy a watergun, and fill it with BBQ sauce and attack Clary. ~Jeannie R.
The student leaves my office and goes and whacks the civ pro teacher...am I guilty of homicide? ~Professor Washburn
So if you defame someone for money, you’re subject to jurisdiction. If you defame someone for spite, you aren’t. ~Professor Erbsen
"The more you learn, the less you know" - not a motto that any law school really uses. ~Professor Erbsen
What’s the difference between T and A? ~Professor Younger
That sounds like a boring commencement speech to me. ~Professor Morrison
This is a Crayola box of anti-dust chalk. They lie. ~Professor Younger
Well, they...are really kamikazi suicide bombers. So they're not afraid of my bad spelling or death. ~Jane M-B
"In 1391b3, it says 'a judicial district in which any defendant may be found'...what does 'may be found' mean?" "Nobody really knows." ~Chris Hoff (1) & Professor Erbsen (2)
I tried to look encouraging, but I guess I look discouraging... ~Professor Younger
Ok, let’s play a little game of blame the victim. ~Professor Washburn
I don’t feel like doing this either, let’s go to a bar. ~Professor Younger
Just to leave a whole bunch of you frustrated, I’m going to let Mr. Magnuson have the last word. ~Professor Washburn
I lost my innocence. The world is a dark place. ~Abu J.
Persuasive writing is on a scale. Over here, we have “drunken sailor,” and over here, we have Scalia, Cardozo, and maybe Easterbrook. ~Jen Macaulay
It doesn’t cost $5000 to join an appellant’s brief and say “ditto.” ~Professor Erbsen
If you don't understand my question, then I think I understand your answer. ~Leaf McGregor
Nothing is essential, except food, water, shelter, and sex. ~Professor Younger
"Um, I can’t contribute to this conversation right now, but I can give you warm brownies." "I think I should let that drop because I can think of many awful rejoinders." ~Jane M-B (1) & Professor Younger (2)
Oh, no, I’m very happy with it. I just have a general scowl, I guess. ~Joe Cera
Where have we heard a Gronlie-like theory? ~Professor Younger
Buddy. Mr. Gronlie. Have you ever heard this expression? *writes on board* LESS IS MORE. ~Professor Younger
OK, go forth and throw up. ~Professor Charles
It’s like you’ve been listening to too much rap music...making me like Jam Master Charles. ~Professor Charles
What am I, chopped liver? Would you do that in Sigman’s class? ~Professor Charles
It’s Friday afternoon, I guess I have to do things to wake you up. Ok, I have to get on the desk. After this case, didn’t you start shouting, “I’m free! I’m free! I’m free!” ~Professor Charles
I did not feel more free. ~Nathan O'Konek
You don’t know how much I can see from here. All things. ~Professor Charles
There’s a magic word that begins with c...cookie, no. Consent. ~Professor Sigman
SSGs are a silly crutch. You don’t need them. ~Professor Sigman
The Flopper is societally valuable. ~Professor Sigman
Summers v. Tice is a case I like. I like the theory behind it...yes, I like it when people get shot. ~Professor Sigman
"Why would you brag to people that you did it?" "Beer." "Beer!" ~Professor Sigman (1 & 3) & 1L (2)
Undue influence is “duress lite.” ~Professor Hill
Porn stars are movie stars too. ~Professor Hill
Pwck. It’s a legal term, pwck. ~Professor Landsman
They won’t give me keys to the computer cabinet, for example, but they gave me the keys to the halls of justice. ~Professor Landsman
You have to realise that I am old, and I’ve been married for 40 years, so I don’t really date. So it very well may be that dating is a term of art that I don’t understand. ~Professor Landsman
His axe could chop down a forest with one chop. That's a dick move! ~Dan Hetzel
I've never seen rainbows on my meat before. ~Bree R.
"That's a long wait for a train don't come." "The nut train!" ~Bree R. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
I don't know - would you like to be known as the person who beat the fragrant meatball? ~Jesse R.
The Fragrant Meatball wouldn't cuss! ~Dustin-Karl L.
Dolphins don't fit in my bloodstream. ~Jesse R.
I wonder what a group of shrimp is called...an underwhelm? ~Andy Warta
That doesn't say naked to me, it says naked under a trenchcoat. ~Dustin-Karl L.
That's what happens with the poly - you get them all in the same room and they taste like fruit snacks and meat. ~Jesse R.
He was the Darth Vader of basset hounds. ~Colin G.
Um...there's nothing to click on. ~Dustin-Karl L.
Did you give me mulch? ~Jesse R.
Hey, they haven’t met Abu yet. ~Abu J.
Oh man! I want to own a can't opener! ~Dustin-Karl L.
Potatoes escape him: The Dustin-Karl Story. ~Bree R.
Benjamin Franklin would not approve, Bree. ~Jesse R.
If we step on a butterfly, Hitler will have claws. ~Josh Carson
That's why I'm leaving you my cancer. ~Josh Carson
It's not like I just give people X, I take it, too. ~Aric McKeown
We're not the Salvation Army of rope! ~Aric McKeown
A rapist stole all our rootbeer! ~Mike Fotis
It's luck! It's luck! It's like being born a male Chinese kid. ~Mike Fotis
You can couch that in as many sports metaphors as you want, but it's still just breaking and entering. ~Mike Fotis
"Where else would you get breastmilk on a stick?" "State Fair?" ~Butch Roy (1) & Jill Bernard (2)
In communism, there is no money shot. ~Suzanne S.
Every time he wore that sweater, I wondered, "is he going to propose? Is he going to give me a box of Honey Nut Cheerios?" ~Alissa A.
The Fajita Monologues. ~Mufaddal B.
Boys have burritos, girls have fajitas. ~Taqee K.
A heart for an eye. ~Josh C.
"Why does Islam prohibit alcohol?" "It does?!" ~Bree R. (1) & Abu J. (2)
I'm Latter Day Sauced. ~Alissa A.
Seattle lets itself be streaked by GAPSA. ~Alissa A.
He looks like an oil tycoon who forgot to die in the 40s. ~Dustin-Karl L.
"Why not have a balancing test? I mean, I know it's a novel idea." "Wait, let me write that down." ~Ben Kennedy (1) & Professor McGeveran (2)
If I were going to have sex with Jon, I'd file my penis. ~Dustin-Karl L.
There were some very good points that were raised by Karen Buhr that I can't remember at this time. ~Mufaddal B.
It's like NASCAR for theatre! ~Lauren Anderson
Because I'm Ray Romano, half-man, half-puppet, and we eat badges. ~Chris Cummings
You're lucky I'm filled with hesitation. ~Fred Beukema
Did we tell his horse to stop a bunch of times? ~Fred Beukema
Oh, I did more than that - I earfucked him. Because he wasn't listening. ~Mike Fotis
During the commercial breaks, I scream out, "New York City?"! ~Joe Bozic
I'm dumber than a five-year-old. ~Vince D.
Almond Joy: The answer of how to fuck up chocolate. ~Mike Fotis
Um, consider me robed. ~Professor McDonough
There is a magic force that brings us back to texts, even though they are annoying. ~Professor Chen
You can’t buy liquor on Sunday. Why do we have that law? It hurts everybody. ~Professor Washburn
It's about 15% there. ~Abu J.
Slip Mufy a roofie. ~Matt S.
Would the lady like some wine...with her torture? ~Mike Fotis
Collagen, bitch! I didn't feel a fuckin' thing! ~Lauren Anderson
I did poison them...with razorblades. ~Joe Bozic
This is what happens when you don't pass the presidential fitness test! ~Caleb McEwen
I own this parking lot now. I claimed it as my own. ~Troy Zimmerman
You just made sure a witch is going to come! ~Mike Fotis
Only trouble comes out of a pantry. ~Mike Fotis
I just want to point out, how many fucking pantries are in your backyard? ~Mike Fotis
What's your favorite book? I'll read it to you while you die. ~Mike Fotis
Let's connect like paper rings in kindergarten. ~Lauren Anderson
I don't make fruit soup, sorry. ~Alphonso J.
You're kinda mixing your yoga with your heaven. ~Meg H.
I had to weigh the hair down cos I look like a brunette Andy Warhol. ~Jesse R.
Never bring a cat to a knife fight. ~Jesse R.
Susan, cancel the flight to Cape Cod - I've got an "abused." ~Mike Fotis
No one's ever gonna mistake you for a Barnum! ~Mike Fotis
Usually cries in the dark are answered with stabs and pain. ~Dan Hetzel
I sprained my foot, I can't do nobody's taxes today. ~Mike Fotis
I have a dream, and it has nothing to do with black kids. ~Mike Fotis
Whoa. Whoa, Carb Devil. ~Mike Fotis
That's right. I will catch or dodge every third one. ~Joe Bozic
You sir, that donut had better be a metaphor for a fetus. ~Mike Fotis
My dad was telling me the other day that he doesn't think I have what it takes to be a Webelo. ~Mike Fotis
I loves me some eminent domain. ~Suzanne S.
It is your meat brush. ~Jesse R.
He could go on the striking cars. ~Mufaddal B.
I'm like a rock sitting on Asshole Hill. Don't fuckin' turn me into a kinetic rock. ~Mike Fotis
How lazy do you have to be to ask for the ribs in ribs to be removed? ~Mike Fotis
It's like LSD for people who are too scared. ~Mike Fotis
Is it because I sit in my chair all rebelly? ~Joe Bozic
Sounds like a dirty hamburger. ~Tommy R.
When are people going to realise that we're here, we're deer, and they'd better get used to it? ~Mike Fotis
"It's one of those funny deportation stories." "Yeah, it's one that folk singers sing about." ~Bree R. (1) & Mark T. (2)
How are you going to react to this penis in your ear? ~Jill Bernard
"Emulate a walrus" is step seven. ~Jake Scott
I'm not really street, I'm just road. Gravel road, really. ~Jesse R.
Brad Renfro? Did you just make those syllables up? ~Jesse R.
Where are all my students? Where are all my dead baby chimps? ~Claire K.
I'm trying to come on to you, but when I'm off my unicycle, I lose a LOT of confidence. ~Mike Fotis
It's easier for me to relate to mp3s. ~Mike Fotis
Rephrase that question in the form of a syllogism. ~Lauren Anderson
This round of musical chairs is a draw. ~Mike Fotis
"I've long maintained that drivers on acid are the most dangerous people on the planet." "Waaaaaaait, what about Christians?" ~Butch Roy (1) & Dan Hetzel (2)
I'm the opposite of Butch. ~Mike Fotis
"You don't get to divorce me if I put mayo in your ears!" "Yes, Jesse, I do, because that would be indicative of irreconcilable differences." ~Jesse R. (1) & Bree R. (2)
Can I be dance-lurking? ~Chris D.
Cut to other places where she's announced she's barren. ~Mike Fotis
Sporks are sharper than they look. ~Jen Scott
"I graduated from high school in 2000!" ~Jen Scott
I wasn't just trying to be a stereotype, I had an itch. ~Tom Reed
Your probe sounds like a short lion. ~Corey Anderson
Ever feel like you're getting ripped off by Satan? ~Tom Reed
Wait, watch my character develop for 45 minutes silently. ~Tom Reed
Doctor, I think the surgery went too well. ~Tyler Samples
At least I talked my mom out of sending a ham. ~Mallory S.
"How did you mistake Barbra Streisand for a retard?" "She took the bait!" ~Dan Hetzel (1) & Butch Roy (2)
Tastes like cake. ~Lauren Anderson
Our retard trap worked. ~Butch Roy
We're going to have to teach you a lesson that you probably won't learn anyway. ~Dan Hetzel
Oh Atlas, don't put down the world. ~Dan Hetzel
Emo chooses you, you don't choose emo. ~Dan Hetzel
Loincloth! ~Damian Johnson
Your hands are strong and warm. I trust you. ~Hannah Kuhlman
"What's in sauerkraut?" "Cabbage and hate." ~Joe Bozic (1) & Fred Beukema (2)
I always said if politicians were to jig more...I'd vote. ~Tyler Samples
The only way to beat our dads is to become them. ~Tyler Samples
You're a mean adult. ~Tom Reed
Aw, then fuckin' drink blood! ~Mike Fotis
I'm ok with knowing what I know and nothing more. ~Joe Bozic
You just grabbed a flyin' rat. ~Mike Fotis
Get off my m-m-m-m-motherfuckin' block and donchoo even bring up my stutter. ~Mike Fotis
I love you like a brother and I love you like a man-wife. ~Mike Fotis
He shot himself and he couldn't use compound sentences. ~Mike Fotis
Hey, I've got an idea - instead of going to IKEA, let's do anything else. ~Mike Fotis
You ate my Skittles! ~Joe Bozic
"I hate that you're a fucking mind reader." "You knew, when you met me at that carnival, what you were getting into." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & Doug Neithercott (2)
Are you in fact ethnic? ~Lauren Anderson
Nalgene-iguana-off. ~Lauren Anderson
Watch as the story unfolds like a badly-wrapped challah. ~Joe Bozic
Well, your problems with math are easy to understand...you're failing to add. ~Jill Bernard
What's the point of taking a trophy and then leaving it behind? ~Tyler Samples
It's like my life has been an orgy of one. ~Tyler Samples
"Ronald Reagan comes back from the grave and demands Cheetos." "Or Doritos. Anything of the crunchy, cheesy variety." ~Tyler Samples (1) & the other guy from Falderal (2)
You can't define Anoka. ~Lauren Anderson
Anoka. She discovered gold! ~Lauren Anderson
You are lucky this was stapled! ~Lauren Anderson
Mike and Joe are in Coon Rapids, or maybe Oz, because a tornado touched down there. So we're going to do this for them. If they're dead. ~Josh Eakright
Girls don't have opposable thumbs to climb with. ~Bobby Gardner
Now, are you a weed-smoking mortgage broker? ~Josh Eakright
It's like I'm a dinner. ~Josh Eakright
Roast corn? What is that? Was there, like, a comma in there? ~Josh Eakright
I'm a pommelhorser. ~Josh Eakright
What is the holiest way one might kill someone? ~Tommy Todd