He just flicked me off because I think I got the feudal system mixed up with a monarchy? ~Mike Fotis
If there was magic, your kid would still be alive. ~Mike Fotis
You could strip if it was dim. ~Lauren Anderson
I'm the guy on the subway who rapes you with my eyes. ~Mike Fotis
If your fighting is as consistent as your accent... ~Caleb McEwen
They inhibit its trajectory. ~Mark Sutton
I think it's lovely that you equate women with ham. ~Joe Bill
It took me five classes to get out of the mindset of "this is bullshit." ~Joe Bill
I can appreciate the ingenuity that went into the Segway, but what's the point? ~Mark Sutton
"Can you ride shotgun, Mrs. Cotton?" "Oh, literally." ~Damian Johnson (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2)
That's ten less than your toes! ~Matt Donnelly
It was kind of like Waiting To Exhale for band directors. ~Larry M.
Not if I am not totally stoned. ~Mark T.
We have lives! ~Angela B.
He's been reading a book. ~Angela B.
I don't have time this year. ~Siobhan D.
Cake in '08! ~Lauren Anderson
My parents are Libertarian - it's pretty great. I can do whatever I want. I don't get an allowance, though. ~Mike Fotis
Ms. Marchand does not have my powers of deduction. ~Tim S.
But the butt is the face of your back. ~Al V.
GAPSA does not give you game. ~Suzanne S.
Atlas moped. ~Dustin L.
Ad hominems against personifications of abstract concepts ftw. ~Karl S.
It is stealth whimsy. ~Karl S.
She was like a lay nun. ~Karl S.
Can you bring a snack? ~Lyssa B.
"So many rideable things." "That's how I've always looked at life." ~Bree D. (1) & Angela B. (2)
I fucked her 'til I napped. ~Joe Bozic
I don't know if you've heard anything about this place, perhaps recently. ~Fred Beukema
By the way, I can see your Sarah Palin from my house. ~Josh Eakright
Why do you even ask questions if you're going to answer them yourself? It makes me feel small. Oh. ~Arik McKeown
"I don't think I want to die." "Ugh." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2)
You just kind of flip past it like the italics in Tolkien. ~Aric McKeown
By the way, we're out of sharks now. ~Aric McKeown
So...I'm having trouble believing in miracles...because I keep creating SCIENCE! ~Lauren Anderson
This is to let you know that I was a jerk to you, but I was worse to others. ~Mike Fotis
That was deceptively simple. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
She is so going to give you a roofie. ~Jesse R.
Doctors say that laughing is like internal jogging. ~Pastor Steve Olson
Ladies love the painted walls. ~Al V.
And what did the eight-year-old in your weight class do? ~Angela B.
You are my sexual Jiminy Cricket. ~Michael W.
He needs to be burned in acid. See how much he has to la la about then. ~Scott H.
My head was so full of employment law that I forgot to clomp like you're supposed to do in winter. ~Tim S.
When I think of mini ravioli, I think kung fu dogs. ~Jesse R.
I wish I knew lung fu. ~Jesse R.
Nooooooooo, my fursona! ~Jesse R.
Stupid boys. Let's get some shoes. ~Stef K.
I would totally have a home on an effeminate Austrian park. ~Jesse R.
Don't bite our paperwork! Why do I even have to say that? ~Bree D.
All right, fine, don't talk to me, I'll call my dentist. ~Jesse R.
They say it's non-toxic. Now I'm not so sure. ~Fred Beukema
I don't care about orphans in Guatemala. I probably ate their parents. ~Alex Carlson
You're super-literal. ~Butch Roy
Is it short for something better? Chet? ~Lauren Anderson
They think I'm this fantastic person, this rainbow in skin... ~Lauren Anderson
Can you get sick from too much butter? ~Troy Zimmerman
Musical?! LIGHT OPERA! ~Doug Neithercott
"What's a dicktease?" "It's a kind of uncle." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & Doug Neithercott (2)
It's like a 3/4 malt. ~Jill Bernard
It's the most cruel way you could possibly eat meat. ~Kelvin Hatle
I got a good eye for meat shape. ~Angela B.
Nobody wants to be like Jeff Gordon. ~Mike Fotis
I don't want your soccer milk. ~Mike Fotis
Laundry machine? Haunted. ~Michael Ritchie
Sarcasm is a disturbing trait from the elderly. ~Michael Ritchie
Gondola gondola! ~Mike Fotis
Yellow and blue makes green! ~Michael Ritchie
I'm going to go now, and I want you two to survive. And if I don't come back, I want you to tell everyone you ever meet that I was awesome. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Ha ha! Guns and keys! ~Michael Ritchie
"Hey Buck, where do you want this flag?" "I want it in here, in America!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Joe Bozic (2)
"The shark ate everyone!" "You are the biggest bummer." ~Hannah Kuhlmann (1) & Eric Knobel (2)
Some of you have noticed you have brownies attached to your necks. ~Mike Fotis
I can't ride the confidence elephant like you can. I'm on a despair dove. ~Mike Fotis
No! It's like you're Vincent Price's kid! ~Mike Fotis
Look, I am like South Africa - black and white. And separate. ~Jen Scott
This looked like a man, a trustworthy man, a man with a digital camera. ~Michael Ritchie
Enjoy mediocrity. I'm sure it tastes...all right. ~Michael Ritchie
I don't want to alarm you guys, but the carpenter centaur has arrived. ~Eric Knobel
We're gonna be eatin' glue tonight! ~Eric Knobel
My tentacle is the longest ~Amy U.
We cannot all have compasses in our tentacles, Amy. ~Bree D.
I've been told I can get at least three ponytails for cancer out of my head. ~Elise C.
Math is your mom. ~Tyler N.
He used the word magic, therefore not science! ~Rachel G.
"Who's Hank Aaron? Who's Hank Aaron?!" "He's a baseball...mayor!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Lauren Anderson (2)
I'm leading the gentrification. ~Butch Roy
You can't let things go because you've got a vagina! ~Mike Fotis
What if God is on JC's invite list? ~Lyssa B.
Boys are dumb. Especially ones that make it to law school without getting married. ~Rachel G.
After he missed a rehearsal PLUS sucked. ~Tim S.
I hate living in a cul de sac! ~Chris Campo
"You see that easel?" "Yes." "Eat it." ~Tim Hellendrung (1 & 3) & Doug Neithercott (2)
Don't reply until the same amount of time has passed, plus thirty-nine minutes. ~Armen S.
Pirates are a girl's best friend. ~Bree D.
White carpet is the feet binding of suburbia - expensive and useless because it can be. ~Rachel G.
Page DUMB paragraph BULLSHIT! ~Lauren Anderson
Do you like the screams of little children echoing in the bathroom? Oh well, that's a miss. ~Jesse Parent
I don't think so? Is there even such a thing as a movie magical white man? It just doesn't sound right. ~Rachel G.
"I'm confused." "No." ~Amy U. (1) & Nadia W. (2)
Raisin chocolate chip cookies are the most malicious cookies. ~Bree D.
Go back to your mommy, fetus! ~Taj Ruler
Give me an awkward silence and watch me fill it! ~Rachel G.
"Unfortunately the crush has not gone away. But that is ok." "Enjoy the view." ~Bree D. (1) & Beth P. (2)
"Does 'Paul Thalin' sound like three people?" "Maybe there are three people named Paul Thalin. Or Thalin is plural for something." "Maybe they are brothers!" ~Bree D. (1 & 3) & Rachel G. (2)
It's like feeding ducks, but with fire. ~Rachel G.
"One of my former neighbors from Morris just invited me to join a FB group - 'Fight to keep GOD in America.' The first thing posted is a poem by Judge Roy Moore." "None of those letters are even IN America." ~Bree D. (1) & Rachel G. (2)
"Doctor says I'm legally retarded." "Some things are better left unsaid." ~Adam Woolhouse (1) & Emily Barrett (2)
I'm here to take the deposition. Deposition deposition deposition... ~Mike Fotis
We've got to call someone or do something. ~Eric Knobel
It is hard to be a nonprofit veteran. ~Michael Ritchie
Cubans don't cut diamonds! ~Lauren Anderson
Then you're using Craigslist wrong. ~Ben Gartner
I feel that once you've rocked a woman's world as I have, diffusing rage is a relatively simple task. ~Brandon L.
I may need a beer in the shower a la Lyssa when I get home. ~Rachel G.
I'll grab one of the fire sticks to use as a fire stick. ~Michael Ritchie
He's what I'd imagine a sausage that came to life would sound like. ~Mike Fotis
I'm all outta ammo. I think I'm gonna have to take them down with my paintball knife. ~Adam Litz
This is live theatre. We can hear you, and we can hit you. ~Lauren Anderson
"Hey, I didn't bring anything." "But you dressed like Hitler." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Mike Fotis (2)
His tackles were really more hugs. ~Eric Knobel
I always carry one leech. ~Joe Bozic
Footnote: I agree. ~Mike Fotis
I am a doctor. Prepare to be leeched. ~Mike Fotis
I think beer tastes like wood. ~Joshy N.
Draft wagon. ~Eric Knobel
He's like a mean Inspector Gadget. ~Andy Kraft
It's like you latched on 500 years ago and won't let go no matter how much powder I sprinkle on you. ~Corey Anderson
My pack, my pack, put it on right this time, not like a sleeve. ~Eric Knobel
And just think, in most states, they aren't allowed to adopt. ~Jon T.
New interrogation technique we're trying - good cop, awkward cop. ~Caleb McEwen
You're opening your mouth in all the wrong ways. ~Eric Knobel
Stop being a magic 8 ball! ~Mike Fotis
Let's do this as God fucking intended - naked with a cape. ~Nels Lennes
"It's got like, every rapper that's worth listening to." "So there's no one on the CD?" ~Josh Kuehn (1) & David Lipkin (2)
I checked at school! They do not eat their gifts! ~Eric Knobel
If we don't eat our presents, we'll be Jews! ~Hannah Kuhlmann
You entered a house like any other, except this house is unique. ~Lauren Anderson
You had me at the sign that said "Tails for sale." ~Nels Lennes
I forgot my negotiation pants. ~Eric Knobel
Don't slap-hug me. ~Eric Knobel
I'm naturally wicking. ~Eric Knobel
It's just going to be me alone? No finches, no miners, no bindle? ~Michael Ritchie
Oh, why did you get this stupid old FDR chair? ~Tim Hellendrung
There is a Canadian Kit-Kat wrapper. ~Joe Bozic
It's a roomy chopper. ~Bobby Gardner
Do you still have my check? I want to proofread it. ~John Eisenrich
People use those for other things! ~Rachel G.
I don't want to be case law, I just want to go to a haunted house! ~Meg H.
You're the reason everything is covered in wax and pesticides. ~Jesse R.
Space hypocrite, the worst kind! ~Eric Knobel
I don't pretend to understand your racism, but I'm sure I share it. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
"It's a mental disorder." "Pretty sure it's a tasty fruit treat." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2)
Did you put your feet into a bag? ~Corey Anderson
You and all your matchmaking ducklings. ~Rachel G.
I discarded the non-spleen portions of him. ~Fred Beukema
I'm going to give you a shitty peer review. ~James Moore
I read the chart way wrong. ~Tim Hellendrung
Just don't open the door, and don't cook lamb. ~Doug Neithercott
Brian Cox suffers from a condition known as tit hip. ~Troy Zimmerman
A funny nun! ~Doug Neithercott
"Nook nook" as I understood it was Russian gay sex. ~Troy Zimmerman
It's the only weakness cats have - fire. ~Adam Woolhouse
It smells like a Bible story in there. ~Troy Zimmerman
That was not a greyhound on the side, it was a spray-painted wolf. ~Tim Hellendrung
"We're Christian, that's why." "Well...what about the butt?" ~Doug Neithercott (1) & James Moore (2)
My life is kind of like a circus but without all of the serfdom undertones. ~Emily Schmidt
Did you just say DNA hamper? Is that a more politically correct way of saying cum dumpster? ~Jesse R.
Richie Rich is ordering a Coors Light. Good drink, Doug. ~Brandon L.
You could start with the steroids. ~Dave R.
You and traditional are rarely part of the same sentence. I mean that in the best way. ~Rachel G.
I was not going to take the advice of a circus gay. ~Troy Zimmerman
Cobbling ferrets. ~Troy Zimmerman
The quality of sex has no bearing on the quality of baby. ~Nate Abshire
As a child I would apparently instinctively dam up creeks. ~Al V.
I can't just say fuck it because my wall's bleeding. ~Meg H.
I could smell you in a lineup. ~Meg H.
He's like a doctor-prescribed douche. ~Meg H.
Calendar kiosk gets lonely in March. ~Andrew Lipkin
Your lips are like diving boards from which lies spring. ~Jen Scott
I tried to capture this crime scene in an Etch-a-Sketch. ~Jill Bernard
Though I now think "IKEA meatballs" may be my code for undesirables in general. ~Ali M.
Cut to the west coast equivalent of D'Amico and Sons! ~Troy Zimmerman
Oh and I really actually like anthropologists, especially cultural anthropologists, and they are all lame-o dweebs who would rather ethnographize you than date you. ~Ali M.
It's like your kids get coal in their stockings, you get urine in your flask. ~Lyssa B.
Like, the currency that my original ransom was in is no longer a currency. ~Jill Bernard
I'm sure the first time they made lemon meringue pie they didn't mean it. ~Lauren Anderson
A lot of songs are REM songs. ~Eric Knobel
Simile! ~Michael Ritchie
It's like I'm gonna kill everybody. ~Nels Lennes
So please enlarge my penis dollar sign. ~Doug Neithercott
You're lucky I'm weak. ~Doug Neithercott
Are ya in? My religion doesn't let me turn my head! ~Michael Ritchie
A bigger corndog is more like a cousin than a meal. ~Lauren Anderson
A Presbyterian jihad is even worse than a Muslim one! Because they got the power of Christ behind 'em, not that flim-flam Allah! ~Doug Neithercott
God, I'm naked! Why don't you know? Why don't you ever know when I'm naked?! ~Tim Hellendrung
Make sure you lock the doors...after building them. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Tell me I'm good at baseball! ~Tim Hellendrung
She could be the next Jefferson...or Himmler. ~Michael Ritchie
It is the Hindu Frog. ~Michael Ritchie
Are you here to killfuck one of my friends too? ~Tim Hellendrung
Yeah, ok, the truth is out, I share our mail key. ~Taj Ruler
"The world just may implode." "My bad." ~Bree D. (1) & Jesse A. (2)
"Hi darling." "Hee, except that it is 'darlin''." "Flattery fail." ~Jesse A. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
The very small opus. ~Bree D.
Slam. Lock. Arson. ~Butch Roy
It's a pre-St. Patrick's Day miracle! ~Michael Ritchie
Knock knock, I've got a cooler full of ice, what have you got for me? ~Fred Beukema
He was no slouch. A slouch would have lived until retirement. ~Fred Beukema
Put all of the money in a bag with a dollar sign on it. ~Nels Lennes
It's my beauty queen wrists. ~Lauren Anderson
Everyone gather your scent inside yourself. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Professor Dinosaur loves Jesus, even though Jesus doesn't believe in him. ~James Moore
Hey guys, I got a text message - we have to go to the Cambodian Shire. ~Tim Hellendrung
I will send him to your white man's hell. ~Fred Beukema
Look, I'm not a science teacher at a museum party, ok? ~Eric Knobel
Gregor's tired, bitches. ~Eric Knobel
I'm sorry, do they heckle in English in Night Mexico? ~Eric Knobel
Therefore I have made a phone call to your chowder partner. ~Eric Knobel
"Admiration and..." "Badmiration." ~Joshy N. (1) & Ali M. (2)
There goes my plan of being the male Jewel. ~Mike Fotis
Hey officers, where are your butts? ~Mike Fotis
I can't date somebody who's eventually gonna die! ~Hannah Kuhlmann
I talk like a garbageman who's...confident. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Germans are notorious for being diseased people. ~Doug Neithercott
I'm like Jesus of sofas. ~Eric Knobel
Oh, I'm getting another neck boner. ~Eric Knobel
You didn't raise your arms high enough to high five yourself - you merely clapped. ~Eric Knobel
"It is worse than pretty much everything." "It is worse than itself." ~Bree D. (1) & Tyler N. (2)
Lil' Erik is wrestling with such questions. But at least he has it narrowed down to "anthropology PhD" or "sustainable ag farmer" as opposed to "pirate" and/or "alcoholic." ~Ali M.
What's the opposite of a crush? I was thinking a smash. ~Joshy N.
Stupid juicy brains. ~Joshy N.
The tent had no skills except to be a sail. ~Joshy N.
Your mother was a carpet-swaddled specimen. ~Nels Lennes
The Alabama homeless like to crouch up to you. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
You guys look like the gayest GAP commercial ever. ~Josh Carson
"Are you one of those fast zombies? Hopefully not." "I was not a fast human." ~Jen Scott (1) & Josh Eakright (2)
I hear Josh is very controversial for no reason. ~Josh Carson
Almost looks like your dad might've. ~Jen Scott
"A racist zombie, if you ask me." "No, I don't see colors." "You just see braaains." ~Jen Scott (1 & 3) & Josh Eakright (2)
The bath-Tut? ~Fred Beukema
Most deaf people are faking. ~James Moore
It's just like mini-golf! ~Troy Zimmerman
Ollie! ~Tom Reed
AYN RAND RIDING TARANTULA SHARK! ~Tyler N.
I can't feel my legs...my dancing legs... ~Butch Roy
My dick fists will sing. ~Eric Knobel
Plus there's that pestering whore bird flying around the house. ~Eric Knobel
Don't just stand there, man, ART! ~Nels Lennes
Look at my glorious wall. ~Nels Lennes
You don't like disco? Gulag! ~Ali M.
Nothing hotter than a virgin trucker with bulk orange juice. ~Bree D.
Trick-or-art! ~Tom Reed
I'll be a diabetic duck, you do own this library! ~Mike Fotis
You're confusing the metaphor with a lot of science we don't understand! ~Joe Bozic
You'd speak whale for your lover! ~Mike Fotis
Are you trying to Rube Goldberg me? ~Lauren Anderson
I don't think the good professor/bad professor thing worked. ~Nels Lennes
I do have a dollface I suppose. ~Tyler P.
"He's making rape faces." "I'm a notary public?" ~Eric Knobel (1) & Mike Fotis (2)
What sort of future bitch are you? ~Tim Hellendrung
A Groupon to Delia's? Ha ha ha. Not likely. ~Doug Neithercott
Oh, I'm sorry, did I just cut like a laser? ~Nels Lennes
It's surprisingly hard to run a metaphor pet store and keep the ruffians out. ~Nels Lennes
Stop finding bad things and trying to love them. ~Matt Holmes
I blame it on being the ethnic Disney. ~Cristi Rumpza
Our school motto is "just go with it..." ~Henry Melcher
"Sewer cleanin'," absolutely, and there's no G! ~Maureen Tubbs
"No." What kind of fortune is that? ~Tom Reed
You tinkered with the wrong baked good, my friend. ~Tom Reed
I literally was diagnosed with no imagination. ~Tim Hellendrung
$5 to print off an electronic ticket? Fuck that noise. ~Tim Hellendrung
Why, cliff, why?! ~Jill Bernard
Noon. Time for some hippie stealing. ~James Moore
He's making biscuits on my shoulder. ~Doug Neithercott
I can think of no better way of serving my country than to stop every other man from marrying you. ~Kareem Badr
So you can go home later to your wife and tell her "I touched a goat named Zeus"? ~Butch Roy
Bono, you can't do everything! ~Andrew Cornelius
I pre-wrote that one in my diary. ~Lauren Anderson
I'm like, Nostradamus of fuckin' appetizers. ~Lauren Anderson
It's a childbearing chin. ~Joe Bozic
You can do things other than lean. ~Joe Bozic
Fun canoe for me! ~Joe Bozic
"I found someone else." "I'm your son!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Joe Bozic (2)
My hypercolor shirt doesn't need me to touch it. ~Mike Fotis
Listen, Hoarders, this is Antiques Roadshow territory. ~Jill Bernard
Golden shower does NOT mean what it used to. ~Rita Boersma
I'm not trying to quit toasters, ok? ~Mike Fotis
All right, and I got a letter that's gonna be signed, "The Jews." ~Mike Fotis
It's a wrestle-cution. ~Nels Lennes
You used to be the best skier in this town, and now you drink Bud Lime and you're a dick. ~Mike Fotis
There's this old retired English teacher who used to read the best ever in church. ~Joshy N.
Devil ate my cornbread. ~Nels Lennes
The mandolin is for James Taylor, Sting, and queers. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
I'm a lieutenant now, of HR. ~Nels Lennes
I'm a wingman to all - I'm in HR! ~Nels Lennes
Come on, this is a thing that is happening to me during the day, how could I not tweet about it? ~Nels Lennes
The Subaru Impreza has Narnia in the trunk. ~James Moore
Paul Douglas, your day of reckoning is here! ~Michael Ritchie
Gronlie. It's like a great onomatopoea for his personality. ~Tyler N.
Do you know about a bendy straw of doom? ~Damian Johnson
At the base of that rainbow, the spider monkeys gather gold. ~Eric Simons
That is the most coral. ~Emily Schmidt
I said enough's enough, and I burned all my pants. ~Brian Rice
I was mowing my lawn last week, and a phantasm appeared! ~Jake Scott
I'll shoot anything as I catch munching on my cumbers. ~Jake Scott
I had a dream that I cuddled one of those KitchenAids until it made my gramma's pie crust. ~Lauren Anderson
Today is full of horrible lessons. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Omar Sharif. For an Egyptian, he was very Russian. ~Michael Ritchie
I have a trunkful of William Henry Harrisons I don't feel comfortable spending in public. ~Fred Beukema
Our suggestion is Rwanda. Get ready to laugh, everybody! ~Nels Lennes
I'll be here whittlin' til you're done monologuing. ~Christopher Kehoe
I'd love to have a baby in a bunch of hay, and then have a star come and make everyone visit it. ~Emily Schmidt
First of all, you very gingerly stepped out of the cake. ~Emily Schmidt
Key change, it's that big of a deal. ~James Rone
Gasoline! It's from my heart. ~Tom Reed
We sealed the exits, or Jesus sealed the exits? ~Brian Rice
I called him Chocolate Feathers because as a kid I loved chocolate and I loved feathers. ~James Rone
"Do you like delicious food?" "What do you think I like?" ~Lyssa B. (1) & Joshy N. (2)
I wonder if they called before they dug. ~Joshy N.
If you ever want to see Bree turn into a crazy girly princess, put a toad in her path. ~Joshy N.
Y'know if anyone else told me life was good except for having to eat a tomato, it would be a total non sequitur. From you, yeah that sounds right. ~Jason S.
You're snake-blocking, Mom! ~Jake Scott
I went up there to kick an owl. ~Jake Scott
If we ever formed an improv group, it would have to be "Bree's Unfortunate Oxygen Allergy." ~Jason S.
"Choose your weapon, Kravitz." "Of anything in the world?" "Of anything in this White Castle." ~Jake Scott (1 & 3) & James Rone (2)
I destroy my enemies with rock. ~Jen Scott
"What is a home fry?" "Bullshit." ~Bree D. (1) & Frank K. (2)
Ah! I have a sunburn, you fuck! ~Josh Carson
Avast. Anon. Verily. ~Josh Carson
Actually, that was a gay trap, and you fell for it. ~Josh Carson
Yes! I won the scene! ~Andy Kraft
I like Oreos and drive-by shootings. I'm gonna take American studies. ~Colin G.
The best eulogies are the ones that mock the deceased. ~Bree R.
This runs on corn and...decisionmaking. ~Lauren Anderson
You know why? Because I'm a doctor. I have steady hands and steady hips. ~Halsey Lindquist
"Joshy, you got a haircut!" "I did it myself when I was angry." ~Bree D. (1) & Joshy N. (2)
Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm like a horse that's charging toward your love...hay. ~Mike Fotis
If you're gonna be, like, a super hero, you'd be Batman, who had to buy all his shit. ~Emily Schmidt
You're clearly going for the failing pompador. ~James Rone
Birds? Mammals? Marsupials? Pick a side. ~Kearney Q.
Al and I think Abu should have a weiner dog. Thoughts? ~Suzanne S.
"You are apparently a sensual and earthy lover! What does that mean!" "I fuck dirt." ~Bree D. (1) & Kearney Q. (2)
Now she hates me because I'm a honky! ~Kearney Q.
"Amish are sexy." "NO." "You just like buttons, harlot." ~Kearney Q. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
You took all of our antihistamine! ~Josh Eakright
The burglar of new opportunity might just climb in. ~Lauren Anderson
Barter? You want to barter? I have my weight in salt. ~Max Leibowitz
I'm just the king's servant of good times and beer. ~Damian Johnson
"You are going to change the world." "The whole thing?" ~James Rone (1) & Tom Reed (2)
This is going to be like in Alice in Wonderland, I'm going to shrink and fall down a hole and have to eat toast! ~Dave R.
I hate lawyers' kids! ~Joshy N.
"Just go home." "I can't! I'm sans shirt!" ~Doug Neithercott (1) & Tim Hellendrung (2)
Is there a page in the Noodles handbook that says you can express your individuality? ~James Rone
You have no to marginal facial hair. ~Tom Reed
I studied at the school of ethereal mer mer mer. ~Tom Reed
If anybody can survive that kind of fog, it's Sisco. ~Lauren Anderson
You guys, I found some ice cream that was unattended. ~Lauren Anderson
You almost hit a Nice Rider. ~Eric Simons
Here, let me help you - I slept with your husband. Produce me some art. ~Taj Ruler
It's such a major inconvenience to save the earth. ~Tom Reed
It's a luck dragon! ~Joshy N.
You know, it's probably my daredevil bones. ~Brian Rice
I didn't realise it was supposed to be salsa for the whole community. ~Kelvin Hatle
Sarah, the bench is where the people without the roofs sit! ~Brian Rice
In Blaine, sushi is not milk. ~Emily Schmidt
Uhhh, I love loitering. ~Emily Schmidt
Who would be the president if the Ku Klux Klan finally got its shit together? ~Adam Woolhouse
I'm like the Fonz, if he had at some point gotten into D&D. ~Kearney Q.
My famous broccoli stew, see if you ever get any. ~Colin G.
Not tiny vertically! ~Kearney Q.
"I had tea and fried cornmeal mush with applesauce!" "Because it's 1810!" ~Bree D. (1) & Kearney Q. (2)
"Funny like a fat Republican." "...like a battery pump?" ~Bree D. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
My favorite ex-boyfriend's parents are carnies. ~Suzanne S.
Stop licking your leg. Why do I even need to say that? ~Bree D.
I'm always a norgle snut. ~Jesse R.
"I won't go quietly with oatmeal baths and calamine." "I want the Daily to publish that assertion." ~Paul F. (1) & Bree D. (2)
"Well, RSVP." "Or you'll diss my mom?" ~Bree D. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
So that was the gerundative form of "tap ear"? ~Jesse R.
"Purple foot and gimpy limb?" "They're cops." ~Bree D. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
Don't close your eyes so I can't see your pupils, you fuck. ~Bree D.
When we have a band, which we're never going to have, it can be Compelled by Waffle Dog. ~Lyssa B.
You know, they say, imagination can turn a stick into anything. ~Lauren Anderson
What are we gonna do with all this old gold? Put it in a box! ~Mike Fotis
You turned St. Louis Park into, like, The Wire. ~Mike Fotis
At the editors' meeting for the Bible, God was like, "more pages." ~Mike Fotis
He made the anti-Mayo Clinic. ~Mike Fotis
You took what was yours, Alpha Grandchild. ~Nels Lennes
I'm telling you, no matter what they say, they don't want to see you stretched by testosterone. ~Eric Knobel
I don't wear bottoms, all right? I'm a duck. ~Lauren Anderson
There's always time for taking turns! ~Lauren Anderson
"Carl, we're going sledding, Carl!" "Don't listen to the vulture, Carl!" ~Eric Knobel (1) & Nels Lennes (2)
On Tuesday, he was walking. Wednesday, knitting! ~Taj Ruler
Something that makes you feel regret...I think I heard John Stamos. ~Joe Bozic
I may be more tree than boy now, father, but I can still serve America. ~Michael Ritchie
Men are all like this, and women be shopping. ~Michael Ritchie
How many you all can't wait for the age of flesh to end? ~Michael Ritchie
Sorry I didn't know, but I can't. ~Michael Ritchie
Ladies love the pinecones. ~Jesse R.
God smoked my leg. ~Jesse R.
I think, right now, your phone is smarter. ~Missy I.
We enjoy the hay and the antibiotics. I'm fuckin' huge now. Suck it, hippie. ~Michael Ritchie
But I'm the pope of sandwiches. ~Mike Fotis
Why do you open sandwiches like a banana? ~Mike Fotis
I'm like a sandwich bee. ~Lauren Anderson
Another thing, I don't fuckin' like chandeliers. I feel like they're watching me. ~Lauren Anderson
Moderation is a myth - it lives in a distant land and eats gold. ~Lauren Anderson
Why would you open a done fridge? ~Lauren Anderson
Hey, man, don't tell me how to sit down. ~Nels Lennes
"That is derogatory, macaroni-hat!" "That is so so outdated?" ~Troy Zimmerman (1) & Nels Lennes (2)
How do you drive a giant machine if you don't know how to work a woman? ~Nels Lennes
"Victoria's Locker." "Foot Secrets!" ~Aric McKeown (1) & Damian Johnson (2)
I'm gonna put him in the back of the squad car, and it'll give him some time to think about drinking coffee in a backyard. ~Eric Knobel
"It tastes like sauce." "Sauce cellar, that's cool." ~Hannah Kuhlmann (1) & Josh Eakright (2)
I'm an awkward pirate bachelor. ~Matthew Pitner
It's a noun, in the gerund sense. "Hey, do you want to have a tryst? We're trystin'!" ~Troy Zimmerman
Sergey, I can barely understand you with your thick Egyptian accent. ~James Moore
Is there anything greater than Muppet feet? ~Lauren Anderson
There aren't any police vampires. All right, there are four! ~Eric Knobel
There's five Carls on the force, and four vampires, it's like a fuckin' Christmas song. ~Eric Knobel
It's genie blood, Carl. ~Eric Knobel
"What does a giraffe smell like?" "Hope." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Michael Ritchie (2)
"I'm sorry, clown without makeup!" "I'm just a guy..." ~Joe Bozic (1) & Josh Eakright (2)
Salo vs. Rinehart. Stache clash '11. ~Paul F.