"You should call your mom tonight." "Would the technical term for a cocksucker be a phallaphage?" ~Bree D. (1) & Jesse R. (2)
I can give you a tener, though I know you'll just spend it on improv. It's like giving money to a homeless person. ~Jesse R.
I'm a comptroller, I have to comptrol. ~Mike Fotis
I had a really benign dream. ~Nels Lennes
You're talking like a bad Division 3 coach. I'm pumped up but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. ~Mike Fotis
I love the justified spacing in Matt's last quote. It really reflects his actual speaking style. ~Paul F.
It's on my shower to-do list after foot examination, arm exfoliation, and conditioning. ~Paul F.
I don't need a satchel, treelike butler. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
A kind heart, a cruel exterior. Like an M&M. ~Michael Ritchie
A baby is not an egg breakfast, it's a game we made with our genitals. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
I majored in cop at Yale. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
"Scuse me, I have to go bite a cop." "All right." "I want that to be a new euphemism for peeing." ~Jesse R. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
Our hedges aren't worth the trouble anymore, baby. ~Jill Bernard
Nobody can climb out a casement. ~Jill Bernard
"Welcome to Almost Fight Club." "What's rule #1?" "You have to talk a little bit about Almost Fight Club." ~Jill Bernard (1 & 3) & Michael Ritchie (2)
I can list 57 reasons to watch murder porn. ~Eric Knobel
It's the American version of the mafia...it's the media. ~Michael Ritchie
Can you get an all-groove jury? ~Nels Lennes
This may be the only chance you have in 2010 to indulge a puffy paint boner. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
"It reminds me of a burger. Like, can I get ketchup and mustard on my bourgeoisie?" "You sound like an asshole." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Corey Anderson (2)
Usually there's women around neon signs. ~Corey Anderson
Martin Luther King made out all the time. ~Dan Hetzel
Activism starts with "meh." ~Joshy N.
Man, someone should declare some kind of rights of man or something. ~Jill Bernard
That movie could have been called "This Is About Anything." ~Mike Fotis
It costs a lot to have the milk shipped in from the 1950s. ~Andy Hilbrands
What's more romantic than fiscal responsibility, Claire? ~Andy Hilbrands
We are your highly unlikely board of directors. ~Jill Bernard
If this place goes up, Minneapolis improv is fucked. ~Butch Roy
"I have a question." "Then I have the same question." ~Tim Hellendrung (1) & James Moore (2)
I'm kind of like the messenger you don't kill. ~Nels Lennes
You cannot lie to Salon.com. ~James Moore
Nothing can smell fear like a Greek! ~Michael Ritchie
Look at how much the cat loves Jesus! ~Rita Boersma
You know what you need - you need an allegory. ~Michael Ritchie
Is God's love more like the bowl full of mush? ~Michael Ritchie
"'Hopscotch Administrator' is really all your resume says." "I've also killed for love..." ~Aric McKeown (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2)
Why pay full price for a cross? ~Jill Bernard
All right, now here we have an example of lethargy in the face of death. ~Nels Lennes
I'm sorry, is this Talking & Questions 103? ~Michael Ritchie
Wow. He can support his own weight, like a Polish person. ~Allison J.
"What do you do to occupy your day?" "I'm a woman." ~Mike Fotis (1) & Doug Neithercott (2)
I am not leaving here without a boy full of gold. ~Butch Roy
Slim Jims are the opposite of bread. ~Eric Knobel
I'd be like "SAMPLE THAT TORTELLINI, JEEVES." ~Paul F.
"Sluts say sow?" "Definitely. As they go about sowing their wild oats." "TONGUE TWISTER!" ~Paul F. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
"Aristotle said if everyone chose second best, there would be no wars." "Aristotle was a fuck." ~Michael D. (1) & Bree D. (2)
"Yea. Better be fine." "Or else what?" "Pestilence." ~Paul F. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
Pant ice cream was in our vows! ~Sean Hansberry
What is it, Teddy Ruxpin? ~Sean Hansberry
They don't have marijuana-flavored Doritos, I checked. ~Teresa Sigler
It's not quite porn, but housewives love it! ~Mike Fotis
It is little known, but Brian is right - Shakespeare was the first person to write "shut up." ~Mike Fotis
I don't want to watch snuff improv! ~Bree D.
Take a bus to your orgy, John! ~Mike Fotis
Oh my, they're playing Twister non-ironically. ~Jill Bernard
Why does Picard have hair?! ~Mike Fotis
Some editor was like, "call that shit 'mock risotto'...and put on these glasses!" ~Mike Fotis
"Hello, I'm a Brazilian...business man." "Noooo, you're a Nazi who went to hide out after the war!" ~Mike Fotis (1) & Jill Bernard (2)
Terry is GAPSA's answer to a question nobody asked. ~Paul F.
I could see him as a premature ejaculator and saying "Sorry -- we're gonna just have to agree to disagree." ~Paul F.
Solving complex problems makes a noise. Unless you're in space. ~Paul F.
"GAPSA gunned down, campus undaunted." ~Paul F.
What a worthless bunch. They're like plastic grapes...this cluster of insignificance...painted to resemble something real. ~Paul F.
"You're kind of an old testament gal now that I think of it." "What?" "Wrath, pestilence, dietary restrictions. It's all you." ~Paul F. (1 & 3) & Bree D. (2)
Her family of six was no more than a Russian nesting doll. ~Michael Ritchie
Sounds like a sewer with a chair in it. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
You'd just walk through your life like a big piece of dough that's never been baked or shaped. ~Lauren Anderson
You shouldn't help a selfish dolphin! ~Tim Hellendrung
It's a mine-off. ~Jill Bernard
Ms. Say it so it sounds like a bee. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
"I want that on a t-shirt!" "I want that on a button." ~Lauren Anderson (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2)
All the angels embezzle. ~Mike Fotis
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're telling me that the Congalese speak binary? ~James Moore
My studies have been anthropological. I make no ethnocentric judgments. ~Lauren Anderson
Little did the fish woman know, but "Euclidean hell" was the name of my thesis. ~Lauren Anderson
Oh my god, the staples are so pointy, like a tick! ~Lauren Anderson
Somebody's a lumberjack! Somebody's a lumberjack who makes decisions. ~Mike Fotis
Little preacher cajones. ~Michael Ritchie
Look, there he is, like an assy sasquatch hiding in the background. ~Eric Knobel
I already got you a couple of times, Jew-vaho. ~Eric Knobel
Nobody's ever looked cool eatin' a Push-Up. ~Dan Hetzel
People...they don't want a demon reading a book to them while they're running. ~Dan Hetzel
When we get to heaven, God licks your ears. ~Hannah Kuhlmann
Dr. Ricardo was drunk on science...and cognac! ~Michael Ritchie
I'm tired of God keeping you in the dehydrator. ~Andy Hilbrands
Our heroes' headquarters, half garage with satin pillows, half scientific nursery. ~Michael Ritchie
They have this hall of crazy marble statues of ridiculous people. ~Paul F.
I guess by weight it's got as much potassium as a banana. Yet the fucking banana lobby. ~Taqee K.
"Yogurt culturalist." "Yeah. We are the anger of our great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfathers...bubbling up from 38 minutes ago." ~Bree D. (1) & Paul F. (2)
Have you heard the story of the fly...and the light? ~Matthew Pitner
I'm like one of those people who's a little bit Native American...but I'll totally exploit it. ~Emily Schmidt
No skull? I'm sorry, no marriage. ~Jesse R.
He's like some kind of dance hall Nostradamus. ~Paul F.
Well, 1, I never expressed interest aside from an obvious drunk text. 2, I am not ready to cede my limited free time or to shave faster. ~Sean N.
"That's a hole I never considered." ~Paul F.
Honey, don't you know how your clothes go on? ~Jill Bernard
Now why would they import honey? ~Jill Bernard
Came back so a woman wouldn't howl alone, and then you have a hanky. ~Jill Bernard
He just looks like he would be mad. Or in a barbershop quartet, I can't tell. ~Joshy N.
It sounds like a retirement village - Cretaceous Meadows. ~Paul F.
Oh god, the pressures of being a white woman! ~Lauren Anderson
"What was that last part?" "It was a rhyming couplet." ~Eric Knobel (1) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2)
I just hate people who donate to ethnicities. ~Joshy N.
How is a maybe strong? That's why I'm laughing. ~Lauren Anderson
Check out my shirt, man, it says, "If you can read this, the woman I respect fell off." ~Jill Bernard
She's not a wallet chained to your pants. ~Michael Ritchie
Like a logic switchblade. ~Michael Ritchie
You look like a weird butcher. ~Lauren Anderson
We take you to a desert...it's surprisingly balmy. ~Lauren Anderson
Ok so. A tiny horse told me you're a whore. ~Michael Ritchie
Slight of grandpa. ~Joshy N.
Aim for the moon, and if you miss, you'll be GAPSA. ~Paul F.
They were like leather bananas, but big ones. Genetically modified. ~Paul F.
Rubber? Are you like AARP-eligible? ~Megan S.
"Dear Diary...today The Cheese yelled HORSESHIT in a meeting. I was so embarrassed." ~Megan S.
I'm not super happy to learn that my morality has proximity issues. ~Bree D.
Yes, I'm just that good. Men always be writing on the walls. ~Kristi K.
So Santa's a ghost like Jesus? ~James Moore
"What does a gigolo do with dollar coins?" "Bounces them?" ~Bree D. (1) & Joshy N. (2)
Are you interviewing other blind children, ghost? ~Eric Knobel
"Do you have a photo of your mother?" "I do." "Is it in Braille?" ~Eric Knobel (1 & 3) & Hannah Kuhlmann (2)
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, haven't you heard that one?" "Don't lick?" ~Bree D. (1) & Joshy N. (2)
I photoshopped a lot of stuff. ~Jill Bernard
"I've had an uncle all this time I could have had uncular fun with?" "I know that's not dirty, but never say that again." ~Jill Bernard (1) & Doug Neithercott (2)
You wanna die...fly angel fly...oh, you're gonna die! ~Doug Neithercott
There's one milkshake on the floor, and two thirsty guys. ~Mike Fotis
Look who's holding a wallet made of cheese. ~Mike Fotis
You found the dick hatch. ~Mike Fotis
They make a good cheese sandwich in New Orleans. ~Joe Bozic
They all have flaws. ~Joshy N.
"We've all been fed the same cultural BS." "Well, I am a picky eater." ~Kristi K. (1) & Bree D. (2)